What Love Really Means

What does it mean to really love your spouse? If you took a survey among your married friends and asked what it means to really love your spouse, you’d get many answers.

I've heard one response that said, “Love is the feeling that you have when you have a feeling like you’ve never had before.” There is an emotional aspect to love, but when the Bible says “Husbands, love your wives like Christ loved the church,” I don’t think it’s talking about emotions. Why? Because husbands are commanded to love their wives, and you can’t command emotions. Emotions come and go with the circumstances, but love is to be there no matter what. Love is far more concerned with attitudes and actions.

Can You Control Love?
Couples often come to me in the midst of marriage difficulty. They are at the point of separation. When I ask why, they share their points of contention and conclude with the clincher, “We just don’t love each other anymore.” That is supposed to settle it. Or, “It’s beyond our control.” I don’t believe that.

In Ephesians 5:25, husbands are commanded to love their wives. In Titus 2:4, wives are told that they must learn to love their husbands. Anything which can be commanded, taught, and learned is not beyond our control. You may have lost your warm romantic feelings, but love is another matter.

I Corinthians 13 describes love as being patient and kind, not arrogant or rude. It describes love as refusing to keep a score of wrongs and never holding on to grudges. These words are not describing a feeling. They are talking about the way we think and behave. We can love each other without having the “tingles” for each other.

Love Through Words
There are two basic ways to express love in a marriage: words and deeds. Today we look at words. I Corinthians 8:1 says, “Love edifies.” If I want to love, I will use words that build up my spouse. “You look nice in that outfit.” “Thanks for taking the garbage out.” “I appreciate your walking the dog for me Tuesday night.” All of these are expressions of love.

Proverbs 18:21 says “life and death are in the power of the tongue.” You can kill your spouse with negative words. You can give life with positive words.

I’ve never met a man or woman whom you couldn’t find something good to say about them. When you say it, there is something inside of them that wants to be better. Say something nice to your spouse today and see what happens.

Ways to Show Your Love
Last week I suggested that there are two basic ways to express love to your spouse: words and deeds. Today we look at deeds. The apostle John said, “Love not in word only, but in deed.” Do something to show your love.

Love is kind, the Bible says. So, find something kind and do it. It might be an unexpected gift, or washing the car that they drive. It might be keeping the children while they go shopping or hiking. Or, how about a love letter. How long has it been since you wrote your spouse a love letter? Or, perhaps dinner at a restaurant that doesn’t have a drive through window.

Love is patient. So, stop pacing the floor while your spouse is getting ready to go. Sit down, relax, read your Bible and pray. Love is also courteous. The word means court-like. So, do some of the things you did when you were courting. Do you remember, ladies, how you used to reach over and touch his neck? Do you remember, guys, how you used to open the car door for her? Express your love by your actions.

Loving the Unlovely
Now I want to give you a very difficult challenge. It is found in the words of Jesus recorded in Matthew chapter five, “Love your enemies.” Anyone have a husband who qualifies? “Pray for those who persecute you.” You feel persecuted? Pray for the one who is persecuting you. And I don’t think he means pray that the wrath of God will fall on them.

This is the challenge to love an unlovely spouse. It’s fairly easy to love your spouse when your spouse is loving you. But what if they treat you harshly, take advantage of you, and humiliate you? For this, you will need the help of God. God specializes in loving the unlovely. When I say love, I’m not talking about trying to have warm feelings for the person. I’m talking about choosing to see them as a person of worth, as someone for whom Christ died.

Therefore, I will talk to them and treat them with dignity and respect. In so doing, I may be God’s agent of love. Who knows? They may even begin to reciprocate.

There are five love languages. What's yours? Take the 30-second quiz.
Excerpt taken from Dr. Gary Chapman on the Marriage You've Always Wanted by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Gary Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.