Help! I Don't Know My Love Language!

If you don’t already know your love language, don’t be alarmed. You’re not alone. There are two types of people who typically struggle to discover their primary love language.

The first consists of those who have always felt loved and who received all five love languages from their parents. They speak all five rather fluently, but they’re not sure which one speaks most deeply to them. The other category is composed of those who have never felt loved. They grew up in very dysfunctional families and were never secure in the love of parents or other significant adults in their lives. They don’t know which language would make them feel loved because they are not really sure what it means to feel loved.

1. Observe Your Own Behavior

So how do you discover your primary love language? Probably it would be best to start with you. How do you most typically express love and appreciation to other people? If you regularly hear yourself encouraging other people by giving words of affirmation, then perhaps that is your primary love language. You are doing for others what you wish they would do for you. If you are a back-patter, hand-shaker, or arm-toucher, then perhaps your love language is physical touch. And so on, for gifts, quality time, and acts of service.

Please notice that I am using the words perhaps, maybe, and likely. The reason I am being tentative is because my research has indicated that about 25 percent of adults typically speak one love language but wish to receive another language. On the other hand, for about 75 percent of us, the language we speak most often is the language we desire. We love others in the manner in which we would like to be loved.

2. Observe What You Request of Others

If you regularly ask friends to help you with projects, then acts of service may be your love language. If you find yourself saying to friends who are going on a trip, “Be sure and bring me something,” then your love language is probably receiving gifts. If you ask a close friend to give you a back rub, or you express rather freely, “Could you give me a hug?” then physical touch is likely your primary love language.

If you are regularly asking friends to go shopping with you, to take a trip together, or to come over to your house for dinner, you are asking for quality time. If you hear yourself asking, “Does this look OK? Did I do the report the way you wanted it? Do you think I did the right thing?” you are asking for words of affirmation.

Our requests tend to indicate our emotional needs. Therefore, observing what you request of others may clearly reveal your primary love language.

Next week we'll discover three more ways to discover your primary love language.


What's your love language? Take the 30-second quiz.
Adapted from The Five Love Languages Singles Edition by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Dr. Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.