Physical Intimacy in Marriage

Last week we discussed four types of maritial intimacy. The fifth is physical intimacy, which will be covered this week and next week.

The book of Genesis says that when a husband and wife have sexual intercourse, they become “one flesh." It is the consummating act of marriage, the physical expression of the inward union of two lives.

Sex is not simply a matter of joining two bodies that were uniquely made for each other. It speaks of intellectual, emotional, social, and spiritual bonding as well. Sex was God’s idea, and marriage is the context in which it finds ultimate meaning.

Celebrate the Differences
Sexual intimacy is certainly near the top on the list of intimacies commonly desired in marriage. Because men and women are sexually different (long live the difference!), we often approach sexual intimacy in different ways. The husband’s emphasis is most often on the physical aspects--seeing, touching, and feeling. On the other hand, the wife emphasizes the emotional aspects--to feel loved, cared for, and treated tenderly. For her, these pave the road to sexual intimacy.

Mutual Satisfaction
Understanding male-female differences is necessary if we are going to discover God’s ideal of sexual intimacy. The husband must learn to focus on his wife’s emotional need for love. The wife must understand the physical aspect of her husband’s sexual desires. As in all other areas of marriage, this requires learning. If the couple focuses on making the sexual experience an act of love, each seeking to pleasure the other, they will find sexual intimacy.

It should be obvious that we cannot separate sexual intimacy from emotional, intellectual, social, and spiritual intimacy. You can study these separately, but in the context of human relationships, they can never be compartmentalized.

The sense of closeness, of being one, of finding mutual satisfaction is reserved for the couple who is willing to do the hard work of learning. Love can be learned, and sexual intimacy is one of the results.

Men and women are similar, yet vastly different. That was God’s design. In the sexual area of life, God also made us different.

The Desire For Intimacy
Men are stimulated by sight. The female is far more stimulated by tender touch, affirming words, and acts of thoughtfulness. That is why many wives have said, “Sex doesn’t begin in the bedroom. It begins in the kitchen. It doesn’t start at night. It starts in the morning.” The way she is treated and spoken to throughout the day will have a profound effect upon her desire for sexual intimacy.

I’m convinced that if husbands would follow the Biblical admonition to “dwell with their wives according to knowledge” (I Peter 3:7), they would discover the sexual intimacy which God designed marriage to provide.

The Effect On Family
Intimacy between the husband and wife spills over into the rest of family life. If intimacy is missing in the marital relationship, it will likely be distorted in parent-child relationships and in sibling relationships. In healthy families, husbands and wives make their marriage top priority. Intimacy between a husband and wife not only serves their own needs, but provides the highest level of emotional security for children.

It is my own commitment to this principle that has led me to invest the bulk of my time and energy in the field of marriage enrichment. Both my writing and my seminars focus on the marital relationship.

I am fully convinced that my greatest contribution to the children of this generation lies in helping their mothers and fathers build intimate marriages. It was God who said the two are to become “one flesh." In this reality, marriage finds its highest purpose.


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Excerpt taken from The Family You've Always Wanted: Five Ways You Can Make it Happen by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Gary Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.