On the Road to Reconciliation

Thousands of people experience marital separation every year. Many of them sincerely want to know, "What should I do, as a Christian?" First: Don't assume that separation equals divorce. Separation may lead to a restored, enriched, growing marriage. The individuals involved will determine the outcome of separation. Separation is not permanent. It either leads to resurrection or death. The Christian must always seek resurrection. This week, let's explore the possibilities of seeking reconciliation.

Separation calls for intensive care, much like that given to those in grave physical danger. The condition of the marriage is "critical". Proper mediation is essential. Surgery may be required. That will call for the services of a counselor or pastor.

What you do in the weeks following your separation will determine the quality of your life for years to come. Separation is not the time to capitulate. The battle for marital unity may just be beginning. Be assured, God is concerned about the outcome. You can count on Him for supernatural help. He will not abandon you in this time of pain.

Separation means that a marriage is in desperate straits. Healing will require listening, understanding, discipline, change. But hard work can result in the joy of a restored marriage. I know that some of you are saying: "It sounds good, but it won't work. We've tried before. Besides, I don't think my spouse will even try again. I'm not even sure I want to try."

I understand your feelings, but don't assume that the hostile attitude of your spouse will last forever, or that your own feelings are permanent. One of God's gifts to all of us is the gift of choice. We can change. Your spouse may be saying: "I'm through. It is finished. I don't want to talk about it." But three week or three months from now your spouse may be willing to talk.

Much depends on what you do in the meantime, and much depends on your spouse's response to the Spirit of God. You pray. You work. You leave the results to God.

When we chose to work on our marriages, we have all the help of God. God will not force your spouse to deal with issues and return to the marriage, but He will give you wisdom and strength as you seek to follow His will.

Where do we turn for help when we are separated? For the Christian, there is one stable source to which we turn when we need guidance. That source is the Bible. In the Bible we find not only what we ought to do, but also the encouragement and power to do it. The words of Paul become our own: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13).

When we turn to the Bible for guidance, we discover that the Bible calls us to seek reconciliation. Divorce is not God's desire. It is true that ultimately you cannot keep your spouse from divorcing you. Even God had to grant Israel a divorce because she refused to turn from her sinful ways (Jeremiah 3:8). But that was after years of seeking reconciliation. And even yet, God has not given up on Israel - there will be future reconciliation.

So we must seek reconciliation. Even if our spouse ultimately refuses our efforts, we will have the satisfaction of knowing that we were faithful to the biblical ideal.



Adapted from Hope for the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed
by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Dr. Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.