How to Choose for Life

Choosing the person you will marry is just that- a choice. Some men and women feel they were swept off their feet by a rush of romantic love, true. But beneath all the emotions and all the thrills of knowing someone is crazy about you, there is still your will to decide. This section of our series, Choosing For Life, will help you make a wise decision, not just an emotional one.

Choose someone who is happy, not someone who relies on you for happiness.
Statistics show that people who have learned how to be happy when they are single have a better chance of being happy when they are married. The opposite is also true. An unhappy, depressed person who gets married, thinking marriage will create the happiness they lack, is usually disappointed.

Happiness is part contentment, part optimism, and a whole lot of thankfulness. Happy people are quite free of blaming, accusing attitudes. They find joy in small pleasures, and make even the simplest pleasures seem lavish. They don't live as though they are entitled to special treatment. They are just as pleased as can be by every small kindness.

Some of us have lived with the stench of selfishness for many years. It pervades our lives like the odor of sour milk. But even sour people can become sweet when the invigorating presence of Jesus fills their lives. We learn habits of happiness as we walk with Christ.

Choose someone who is honest and truthful about himself and others.
All types of dishonesty are dangerous. Outright lies are the easiest to see. Does the person you are thinking about marrying tell you things about the past, or about other people, that you know are not true? If that person will lie about others and about the past, how can you trust him or her with your future?

Self-deception is another dangerous type of dishonesty. The person who lies to himself is trying to cover up his weaknesses and needs. He or she may be wearing a mask that is hiding the real person.

Choose someone who knows how to work.
Laziness is a warning signal! According to the Bible, a person who is not industrious is less wise than an ant. The ants instinctively know that anything thing worth having is achieved through consistent effort. But the lazy person is always looking for a short-cut. Also, a lazy person may continually blame you for his or her failures after marriage. (See Proverbs 6:6-11)

Laziness is a warning, but so is overwork. Be cautious about marrying a workaholic. A workaholic is someone more devoted to career advancement and financial gain than to God or you.

In a survey of affluent married couples in the United States in which both husband and wife were working, only 14% said they considered personal relationships more important than financial gain. That is a shocking and dangerous statistic! The survey also showed that more than 80% of those affluent couples were not happy although they had all the possessions, positions, and prestige that their money could buy.

Don’t let that happen to you. Choose someone to marry who values relationships and maintains them, not someone who will ignore them.

Choose someone you feel at ease with, someone you can be yourself with.
How do you feel after you have spent some time with the person you are interested in? Do you feel like an actor in a play? Do you feel a sense of relief when the performance is over and you finally get to be yourself?

If you have to put on an act during courtship, you will probably have to try to keep the act up during marriage. You will get tired of acting and you will feel disappointed because you married someone who was in love with an image, not in love with you.

A friend of ours decided to dye her hair blond. Her husband loved it. The only problem is she could never again go back to her real color. She will dye until she dies! Make sure you can be yourself and that the person you want to marry is showing his or her true colors, too.

Choose someone who does not expect you to compromise your convictions.
It is always a danger sign when the person you are interested in pressures you to compromise your spiritual and moral convictions. A healthy relationship is built on strong, mutual convictions.

Can you have differences of opinion? Of course. But a conviction is a bedrock belief, tried and proven from the Word of God. It might make little difference whether you believe that standing or kneeling is the best posture for praying. But it will surely make a big difference if you disagree about the reality of God and your allegiance to him through Christ.

Choose someone who brings out the best in you.
Are you a better person because of your relationship with this guy or gal? Does he or she encourage you to grow? Do you feel refreshed and uplifted when you are together? Or do you feel dragged down? Are you made to feel small, so the other person can feel bigger? Like the song, Wind Beneath My Wings says, it can be cold standing in someone’s shadow.

Choose someone you respect, not someone you feel sorry for.
You must not marry a project. I counseled a beautiful, capable, young woman whose marriage was in a shambles because of her husband’s irresponsibility. He didn’t take care of business, of himself, or of her. Out of curiosity I asked her why she married him. She said that she thought she could change him and bring out the best in him. She married a project, not a partner. This project will never be completed, at least not by her efforts.