The Tenderhearted Lover

Some people think that tenderness is a synonym for weakness. Perhaps that is what the author of one book on management had in mind. She suggests that the way to get ahead is to never let anything reach your heart. At least, never let anyone see that it does. Be ruthless. Be aloof. That philosophy makes tenderness a critical weakness. It's also very wrong.

Tenderness makes us responsive to the pleasure or pain of another person. We need tender hearts to have any kind of healthy relationship, whether with friend or spouse. Why, then, do so many married people seem to live in isolation? A chief cause is self-centeredness. Self-centered people only care about what directly affects them. They detach themselves from everything else. In many marriages, that has become the normal condition. Normal, but not healthy.

Developing a tender heart has little connection to personality. True, some people are more emotionally sensitive. I am 100% man, but I cry at poignant moments in movies. Music, whether sung or played, can move me deeply. My heart swells when I hear my nation's anthem. I can go into raptures about a sunrise, though I will see thousands of them in my lifetime. The song of a bird will stop me in my tracks. In short, I am a sensitive man.

Bob, my dentist and friend, appears insensitive to some people (If you asked him, he would admit it.). But I remember the day Bob had a hard time getting my right lower jaw anaesthetized. It wasn't pleasant for me or for him. After many ineffective shots of Novocain , he said, 'Mike, we need to find a new dentist for you. You're my friend, and I don't like to hurt my friends.'

If you met both of us, you would probably say that I am more tenderhearted, Bob less so. That would be wrong. You would be equating sensitivity with tenderness, when the two are not the same thing. Besides, deep inside, Bob does have a sensitive heart. He doesn't express his deep emotions as openly as I do, but they are there nonetheless.

Some hypersensitive people can have almost no true tenderness for others. Their sensitivity is all focused inwardly. Others, like Bob, are really aware of the pain and pleasure of others. Though they may not show their feelings as obviously, their response to your pain or joy is real.

The strongest man who ever lived was also the most tender. Jesus wept at the tomb of his (temporarily!) dead friend, Lazarus. He was moved by compassion to reach the weak and hurting. He rejoiced. He was responsive and approachable. His whole life said, “I care.” And Jesus makes us people who care, too.

Make it your prayer that God will help you stay tender and responsive to your husband or wife. The result will be a life of shared joys and sorrows, and no one will feel alone with their joys or their sorrows.

Think, Act, Pray

Sam has had a great day at his job. He comes home bubbling with enthusiasm, eager to share his joy with his wife. She, however, hasn't had such a great day. In fact, nothing has gone the way she had hoped. How does she respond? 'Your day! Your success! Don't you care how I feel?' Not what he had hoped for, and the beginning of a long, cold night.
Later, he finds her sitting alone in their room, turned away from him, crying softly. What is his first thought? 'Oh no! Not tears! Not now!.' He doesn't say anything, at least not with words. But his posture, his attitude, and his impatience reveal his irritation.
Without intentionally trying to do so, Sam and his wife have isolated each other, closed each other out, because neither of them responded with tenderness.

1. What are some better ways for Sam's wife to respond to him when he comes home?

2. What are some better ways for Sam to respond to his wife when he finds her crying?

3. If they have a pattern of isolation and self-centeredness, what are some practical steps they may take to bring tenderness to their marriage?

4. Do you have an example of a way your spouse shows tenderness to you? How did it help you?

A Final Note

Remember the difference between sensitivity and tenderness. As I said, it's easy to mistake them. As you will see in the next segment, sometimes people who seem to be tenderhearted are really overly sensitive.