Peter's Wife : Forgiveness - part 2

continued from here

Forgiveness and Trust

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we have to trust the person. A young PW confided her fear of bandits to one of the older PWs. She thought she was talking to a trustworthy advisor. In a short while, she noticed little comments by others on the team to make sure she locks her door at night followed by some muffled chuckles. Her fear was exposed to ridicule. She forgives, but she does not have to trust this co-worker with any more confidences.

In American adventure movies you sometimes hear this warning: “Watch Your Back!” It means that there is danger all around and you must not let down your guard. Consider what Paul wrote to his dear friend Timothy:

 “Alexander the metalworker did me a great deal of harm. The Lord will repay him for what he has done. You too should be on your guard against him, because he strongly opposed our message.” (II Timothy 4:14-15, NIV)

We may never know whether Paul had forgiven Alexander, but if he practiced what he preached, he did. Yet he knew that Alexander could not be trusted, so he warned Timothy to watch his back.

Forgiveness and Privileges

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we automatically restore all privileges that were forfeited through the offence. Suppose a woman’s husband is unfaithful to her. Wanting to do the Christian thing, she goes to her pastor for counsel. The pastor, a compassionate man, though perhaps too legalistic, tells her to forgive her husband. So far so good. Then she asks, “Does that mean I have to share my body with him, although he is still going to bed with the other woman?” The pastor, thinking he is doing the right thing, tells her she must allow her husband to have sex with her. That kind of counsel is quite common in the places where PWs live and work.

Many of us would disagree with that counsel. We would encourage this lady to forgive her husband, but to also insist on his faithfulness. He doesn’t get her sexual pleasures until hers are the only ones he gets. In this day of rampant, sexually transmitted diseases, there is even more reason to follow that path.

Forgiveness Leads to Restoration

This is important: Although forgiveness doesn’t mean liking, trusting, reconciling, or restoring; forgiveness opens the door to trusting, liking, reconciling, and restoring. If we truly forgive, we will be open to all positive possibilities.

Real Offenses or Imaginary

If we find ourselves constantly forgiving, we may be too easily offended, too touchy. You might be hypersensitive at certain times. If you are stretched tight, like a violin string, it doesn’t take much to get a squeal out of you. In times like that we need understanding, patience, and maybe a little extra help from our friends and family. We can also find out what we can do to lessen the pressure, if possible.

A senior PW lovingly rebuked my husband when we were in our first international posting. “Mike,” she said, “The people here love you, but you are too easily offended. Toughen up!” He did, and it helped.

“(Love) is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” (I Corinthians 13:5, NIV) 

In every way, love is the opposite of selfishness.

Revenge or Forgiveness?

Revenge is never the best choice, because revenge is not redemptive. “My husband just invited the whole church to our home for an open house!” the young wife moaned. “I could kill him!” I don’t blame her for thinking about it, and I doubt a jury of women would convict her if she did.

I don’t think her husband needs to worry about waking up dead some morning, but there are more subtle forms of revenge. She could embarrass him in front of his friends, maybe burn his dinners for the foreseeable future. She could withhold sexual pleasures. And she could justify her revenge by saying, “He deserves it!”

If she is wise, our young friend won’t try to get even. Getting even does not help. Ever. Revenge can backfire. In Nigeria they have a saying: “You do me, I do you!” That describes the problem perfectly. Both parties try to make the last strike, the ultimate blow, and only injure each other more.

Accepting Forgiveness from God

We see much fuzzy, pseudo spiritual thinking these days. Some writers like to make a case for forgiving yourself. It’s good for you, they say. I would agree to a point. The problem is that they do not acknowledge God. I know that without God’s forgiveness, and the forgiveness of the offended party, I cannot experience freedom in my soul. I also know that I can beat myself up for a long time, even when my God and my friend have forgiven me.

C.S. Lewis said, “I think that if God forgives us we must forgive ourselves. Otherwise it is almost like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him.” (Letters of C.S. Lewis, 19 April 1951)

Forgiving yourself means that you put the offensive, embarrassing behavior behind you. You can’t do that until you know God has forgiven you. Even so, to keep bashing yourself does not please God any more than your sin does. Let it go.

Life is a challenge. In our attempt to cope and to relate, we all cause pain and we all get hurt. Jesus gave us the key to healing in these words, 

“Stop judging others, and you will not be judged. Stop criticizing others, or it will all come back on you. If you forgive others, you will be forgiven.” (Luke 6:37, New Living Translation)

Forgive! It’s best for you and best for the offender. Forgiveness may not fix everything, but it’s the best preparation for further repair.