Avoid Negative Comparisons

Sam has a wife with a smile that lights up the darkest room. That smile rises, like the sun, on a face as smooth as warm chocolate, accented by sparkling eyes. Hair like spun black silk crowns her well-shaped features, cascading onto her shoulders. Anna is not tall, nor long of leg. But she is a jewel in a compact form. Her inner beauty even surpasses the outward. Sam should know how blessed he is.

Read: Proverbs 31:29

But there’s another woman in their circle. Tall, long-legged, elegant; a woman who can wear anything and make it look regal. Of her inner beauty I know nothing, but outwardly she is what we Americans call a ‘knock out.’ Like every other man, Sam cannot help noticing her when she walks into a room. She is just that kind of woman. Sam doesn’t lust for her. But in subtle ways he wants Anna to be more like her. He has compared his short, sweet wife to this regal beauty. Anna feels devalued. It sounds like Sam would be much happier with “Miss Legs.”

So unfair to Anna! For this comparison throws a shadow over all her wonderful qualities. And what about Anna’s unique commitment to Sam as his wife for life? Surely that sets her apart from any other woman.

Anna can never be this other woman, but why should she be? And why should Sam diminish Anna’s value by comparing her to anyone else? It won’t make her a better person, but it could make her a bitter wife. In worst cases, negative comparisons lead to discouragement, jealousy, envy and despair. But they never, never, never make us better, happier, more fulfilled people.

Sam is infected with the same restlessness and discontent that has plagued the human race forever. How many times do we find ourselves saying, “If only . . .” If only my husband were more talkative; if only my wife would talk less; if only I had married the other person; if only . . .

. . . if we could develop enough contentment and thankfulness, all negative comparisons would wither and die like grapes on a broken vine.

The Five Cow Wife

In one African village the custom was to pay with cows for a wife. The better the woman, the more cows she cost. One man in this village had only one daughter. Shy, not beautiful, no obvious qualities . . . definitely a woman worth only one cow, and a skinny one at that.

One day a man came to this girl’s father to ask for her as his wife. And he offered to pay . . . five cows! Five cows would buy a princess. Obviously this man had spent too much time in the hot sun. The father sealed the deal before the man could come to his senses.

The village heard of this, of course, and did what all villages do. They laughed, they mocked, they made this man with the five cow wife a walking joke. But the man was not fazed. He had the serene smile of a man who knew something no one else could have guessed.

As time went by, something amazing happened to the five cow wife. Knowing how much her husband valued her, her attitude changed. She became confident, bright, a leading woman in the village. She stood tall, not with arrogance, but with the quiet dignity of a woman who knows her true worth. And it happened because one man saw her true value, and paid the price to make her his own. Did other women have more natural beauty? Fairer skin? Nicer bodies? Perhaps. But he wasn’t comparing. He was appreciating what he had.

God has entrusted you to each other. You can betray that trust by constant negative comparisons. Or, you can refuse to compare. “But he really needs to change, you say.” Don’t we all. But I will venture to say that we will never develop healthy, more loving partners by negative comparisons. We will, though, if we value them for who they are and pray for their development.

“Father, you have given us your Son and your Spirit. You do not compare us to your other children. By your Spirit and life in us, deliver us from negative comparisons. And give us the quiet confidence to live each day, not in arrogance and insecurity, but in joyful rest and expectation.”