Staying Power: It's All About Love

What is the difference between couples who build successful marriages and those who don't? The difference is purposeful love. Some think love is a hazy thing, like early morning fog in a valley. It's pretty, almost mystical, but the heat melts it away. Others think love is all about passionate feelings and powerful, knee-shaking kisses. Great stuff, romantic too, but not true love.

One young Singaporean woman glories in her image as a "Party Girl." She engages in "sex for fun," and loves the party life. She thinks time-tested moral principles are outdated, confining, and dangerous to her freedom of self-expression. She has lots of partners of all races, all for the "fun" of it. But I wonder if she has anybody who really loves her? And is there anyone she really loves? Restless as a bee in a field of flowers, she goes from one encounter to another. Lots of lust, but where is the love that helps her become all God intends her to be?

Sam and Jane have been married twenty years. That's staying power, isn't it? Well, yes, but you wouldn't want what they have. Their marriage has been a long grey silence, with rare bright moments. Lasting, but not successful. Dreary, like twenty years of cloudy days. Why have they stayed married? They ask the same question, but don't have an answer. It usually comes down to obligation. Do Sam and Jane love each other? Doubtful. They live separate lives, for the most part, never thinking about what will help their partner. They do the minimum to keep marriage bearable, not the exceptional that makes marriage beautiful.

Remember this: True love helps. Hold that thought and you will never again have any trouble understanding love. The person who loves you helps you, and the person you love, you help.

I Corinthians 13 is part of almost every Christian wedding. These verses are so familiar that we overlook their practical power for a lasting marriage. Read them carefully, though, and you'll find the kind of determined love that gives a marriage staying power.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (I Corinthians 13:4-7, NIV)

Patience helps: Patience means giving our spouse time to change and grow. Patience frees us from the compelling need to force our partner to change. When patience is present, complaining isn't. As God reminded me when I was a youth: "Be patient with others; others are patient with you." No, we cannot tolerate some behaviors, and should not tolerate them. Those are the exceptions, not the rule. If you want a lasting, loving marriage, you need patience.

Kindness helps: Kindness is the quality that does not like to inflict pain. How many marriages are long histories of unkind words born in angry, irritable hearts?

Refusing both envy and boasting helps. Can a man envy his wife, a woman envy her husband? Oh, yes. They can envy abilities, temperament, friendships– anything their partner has they don't have, or don't think they have. Envy sours personal progress and growth, because we know our partner will feel threatened by our achievements.

The flip side of envy is boasting. We can do it so expertly and subtly. We usually don't crow like roosters over our accomplishments. We just act superior and condescending toward our husband or wife. We feel big, but we make our partner feel small.

Refusing to be arrogant or rude helps. CS Lewis noted that we often treat everyone more politely than we treat our own family members. It is true. We interrupt each other, criticize each other, and use tones of voice with our spouse and children that no one else would tolerate. Refuse rudeness.

Refusing to insist on my own way helps. The person who always wants his own way is spoiled, like the child of indulgent parents. The reasonable, adaptable person builds a loving, lasting marriage.

Refusing irritability helps. The word in this verse means "not easily angered." Why do we get so easily angered? Sometimes it is because our overall stress levels are too high. We store up pressure like a steam engine, and the least irritation causes a blow-up. Then we blame the person who irritated us. We need to depressurize, and the best way to do that is to slow down, calm down, and pray. If you do respond in irrational anger, ask forgiveness as soon as you can.

Refusing to keep a record of wrongs helps. In other words, forgiveness helps. Is your spouse married to an evil accountant? Do you have a mental ledger where you keep a record of their faults and mistakes? Do you open that ledger every time you want to gain an advantage? If so, it can't be love. The greatest Lover, God, has no record of our confessed sins. Destroy the ledger. Forgive!

Refusing to rejoice at wrongdoing helps. If you get any secret pleasure when something bad happens to your spouse, you are rejoicing at wrongdoing. Have you ever said, "Ha! I told you so! Serves you right." When you do that, you are rejoicing in wrongdoing. A marriage would have to be in bad shape for either partner to have this attitude, but some do.

Rejoicing in the truth helps. I am taking some liberty with this phrase, but just a little. What does rejoicing in the truth mean in a marriage? It means that one of your greatest joys will be discovering what is true so you can stop believing what isn't true. We have a good article on recognizing truth and lies. Booby Traps and Blowups

Finally, real love is strong. It doesn't allow us to give up easily, to stop believing for God's best, to lose hope, or to quit when marriage is hard. It really is love that gives us staying power.

What is the source of this love? It is our new life in Christ. For the Bible tells us that the love of God is poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit. (Romans 5:5) Filled with God's love for us, we can love our husbands or wives. Choose love each day, and you'll be in love for a lifetime.