Third Culture Kids' Friendships - part 1

by Diane Constantine

As you may know, our two sons grew up, for more than half their childhood years, outside their home country. That makes them Third Culture Kids, or TCKs. Recently I have been thinking about how our sons react to their world. I wondered how much their experience as Third Culture Kids actually affects them today, now that they are adults. I was especially interested in how TCKs make friends, and how their experience differs from others in that area.  

For a refresher, I looked at David Pollock and Ruth Van Reken's  textbook called, Third Culture Kids. The chapter on Relational Patterns  discusses  how Third Culture Kids (TCKs) make friendships and how that affects them later in life.

Their research can help parents of Third Culture Kids (TCKs) understand their children better. Here’s an excerpt: 

"During childhood and beyond, all our experiences of mind, heart, body, and spirit--cultural, emotional, physical, geographical--all of the moves, the relationships, the places, the losses, the discoveries, the wonder of the world--are layered one upon another through time."

You may have that noticed your TCK makes friends and maintains friendships in a much different way than you or your husband. Basic personality influences the way all of us relate to others. If your TCK is more extroverted, he can talk to anyone, anywhere, anytime. He may have a huge list of friends, yet have no one he will turn to when he is troubled. 

If your daughter is more introverted, she may be quite comfortable by herself, yet long and look for one special friend. This part is largely built into us from our genetic predisposition to personality type.

Then our experiences from youth onwards affect how we make friends. You may have several close friends you share intimately with. Some of these friends may date from as far back as primary school. Your husband, on the other hand, is able to form strong relational bonds for a period of time, and then go on to others in a different stage of life. Perhaps his experience of networking in the business world has taught him this skill.

However, you may see a totally different dynamic in your children's relationships.  

They are growing up between worlds. Because of that, they usually experience more losses than children in a more stable setting. Depending on how well they make the transitions, their ability to make and keep friends will be affected. Some transitions are like having their security blanket ripped to shreds before their eyes. Other transitions are easier, neater. In the best outcome, the transition adds color and vibrancy to their lives instead of deep pain. I suspect, though, that there may always be a little pain, no matter how sanguine our child appears. 

TCKs usually live a mobile lifestyle. They may not be the ones moving a lot, but many of their friends are mobile. This adds up to a lot of friendships and a higher incidence of separations as well. They have friends on the field, perhaps in boarding schools, as well as friends and relatives in their homeland. This means many more meetings and farewells than is usual for the child back home.

How quickly they make friends, how deeply those friendships develop, and how they end seem to follow some discernible patterns for TCKs.