Third Culture Kids' Friendships - final

by Diane Constantine

Now let’s consider other effects of multiple losses on relationships:

1. They may struggle with a fear of intimacy because they fear loss.

2. They may erect walls to keep relationships from going to the third and fourth levels of communication, even without realizing it.

3. They may limit their vulnerability to impending grief by refusing to acknowledge they care for anyone or anything. This can cause the profound pain of isolation if not dealt with.

4. They may have a 'quick release' when separation is impending. They quit calling or getting together before it is actually necessary, so as to avoid pain. Then they may wonder why the other is upset for 'abandoning'  them.

5. They may pick fights. To them it seems more comfortable to be angry than sad.

6. They may just completely refuse to say goodbye. 

I think I have seen some of those effects with my own TCKs and those of friends. They find friends at home shallow and parochial in their thinking. Years as a TCK have made one a good communicator, able to capitalize on other's needs and interests. For that skill, he is highly esteemed in his work. He can talk to anyone about almost anything they want to discuss, and do it well. 

Others make lots of acquaintances, but have difficulty maintaining long-term relationships. They want friends, but it takes more time and work to develop them.

So what can you  do to help your TCK?

Our children are a combination of genetics, family dynamics, and their experience of living outside their home culture. We can't change their genetics, but we can help them see blind spots and learn to be thoughtful about how they relate to others. We can do much in our family dynamics to make our home a secure place for growth, a safe place to bring friends, and an anchor in a shifting worlds. 

We can make many, if not all, our transitions less damaging to our kids if we prepare them well for the change. Give them plenty of time to adjust to the idea of a move and some voice in the arrangements. The family should focus on helping each member make a good transition and not get too caught up in the rush of details.  Good community support, both in leaving and arriving, can help our kids deal with their sense of confusion. Being able to maintain some friendship from a previous posting when in the new place, makes the loss of other friendships less painful. Keeping some routines the same in the new place makes it feel more familiar, more quickly. 

Remember too, your attitude of adventure in learning a new culture and making new friends will set an example for your children. If you dread the move and show your feelings too much, they could pick up the same negativity from you. Keep it real, but keep it positive.

Just being aware of how your lifestyle influences your children can help you raise confident, capable, happy adults. Most TCKs turn out great. Your children's lives will be richer because they have experienced more of the world. Help them embrace the adventure.

Blessings!

Diane