Third Culture Kids' Friendships - part 2

by Diane Constantine

Pollock and Reken describe the various levels of communication as people get to know each other. While this happens in different ways in various cultures, here is one common pattern for how relationships are established.

1. Superficial level:

This involves conversation generally referred to as "small talk"--How are you? Where are you from? The weather or today's headlines.

2. "Still safe" level:

This is an exchange of no-risk facts. Where did you go on vacation last year? What sights did you see?

3. Judgmental level:

Here, we begin to risk a few statements about our opinions on politics, religion, or other matters about which our new friend might disagree with us.

4. Emotional level:

We begin sharing how we feel about life, ourselves, and others (e.g., that we're sad, happy, worried, or depressed).

5. Disclosure level: 

We reveal our most private thoughts and feelings to another person, confessing secret dreams as well as painful failures. This stage involves an honesty and vulnerability that leads to true intimacy. Most of us only have a few people in our lives with whom we share at this level. Some people have no one to share such a place.

Our TCKs respond in all of those levels, but here are some differences, too:

1. Because of the culture they have been living in, those levels of relationships may have been switched. Some cultures seem to skip from stranger to cousin very quickly. Other cultures seem to consider it rude to speak to your next door neighbor.

2. Because they fear or know that the relationship cannot be long-term, they skip quickly to the deeper levels.

3. Because they are more adept at building relationships they may move more quickly to deeper levels.

4. Because they know much more about their world, they may be ready to talk about religion, politics, and other hot topics with depth and maturity.

5. When they encounter other TCKs they form a much deeper relationship more quickly than with non-TCKs, because they feel understood.

NEXT: let’s consider other effects of multiple losses on relationships