Children Like Gifts. Some Love Them!

by Dr. Gary Chapman

Does your child feel loved? All of the research indicates that children who are loved fare better in life than those who do not. Most parents love their children, but not all children feel loved. When Dr. Ross Campbell and I wrote the book The 5 Love Languages of Children, we discovered that children have different love languages.

What fills the love tank of one child will not necessarily fill the love tank of another. One child may crave physical touch - hugs and kisses, while another longs for words of affirmation. For some children it's quality time, for others it is gifts or acts of service. Discover your child's love language, speak it fluently, and you will keep the love tank full.

The Love Language of Gifts

One of the love languages of children is receiving gifts. I know what you're thinking: "That is the love languages of all children." But, not really. Some children will ooh and aah and jump up and down with excitement when they are about to open a present. Once it is opened, they will repeat the performance. Others will simply open the gift, look at it, perhaps say thanks, and then they are off to other events.

Why the difference? For one child receiving gifts is their primary love language while the other much prefers quality time or one of the other love languages. Don't expect all children to respond the same way. If you want to love effectively you must learn the primary love language of each child and speak it regularly.

Gifts are Universal

Giving and receiving gifts is a universal way of expressing love. The English word 'gift' come from the Greek word 'charis', which means "grace, or an undeserved gift." Gifts are given simply out of love. When a parent offers a gift if the child will clean his room, this is not a true gift, but rather, payment for services rendered.

For a gift to be an expression of love, it must be freely given, not as payment for something the child has done. I'm not opposed to paying a child for working, but let's not call it a gift. God's gift of salvation does not come because of our work, but because of His grace. As parents we must distinguish between 'gifts' and 'payments'.

Gifts must be PRESENTed

Parents don't always get emotional credit for the gifts they give because they do not present them as gifts. For example, when you buy school supplies or clothes how do you present them to the child? Most children respond positively to gifts, but for some, receiving gifts is their primary love language. They will want the gift to be wrapped or given in a unique and creative way. They will look at the paper, maybe talk about the bow. This is all part of the love expression. It will seem like a 'big deal' to them - and it is.

In so doing you demonstrate that every gift, whether a necessity or a luxury, is an expression of your love. Such celebration of gifts will also teach your children how to respond to others who give them gifts. You express love in giving and they express thanks in receiving. The whole process is a reflection of God's love for us expressed in His many gifts.

Remember, for them, this is love's loudest expression. They see the gift as an extension of you and your love. Once they have opened the gift, they will hug you or thank you profusely. They will make a special place in their room for the gift and share it with their friends. Seeing the gift reminds them that they are loved. It doesn't matter if the gift was made, found, or purchased. What matters is that you thought about them.

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