Is Separation the End?

Thousands of people experience marital separation every year. Many of them sincerely want to know, "What should I do?" Here are some thoughts to guide you, or those you love, through this process:

Don't assume that separation equals divorce. Separation just means that a marriage is in desperate straits. Separation is not permanent and has the potential to even lead to a restored, enriched, growing marriage. What you do in the weeks following your separation will determine the quality of your life for years to come. Separation is not the time to capitulate. Healing will require listening, understanding, discipline, change. But hard work can result in the joy of a restored marriage.

I realize some may respond: "It sounds good, but it won't work. We've tried before. Besides, I don't think my spouse will even try again. I'm not even sure I want to try." I understand your feelings, but don't assume that the hostile attitude of your spouse will last forever, or that your own feelings are permanent. One of God's gifts to all of us is the gift of choice. We can change.

Your spouse may be saying: "I'm through. It is finished. I don't want to talk about it." But three week or three months from now your spouse may be willing to talk. Much depends on what you do in the meantime, and much depends on your spouse's response to the Spirit of God. You pray. You work. You leave the results to God. When we chose to work on our marriages, we have all the help of God. God will not force your spouse to deal with issues and return to the marriage, but He will give you wisdom and strength as you seek to follow His will.

When we turn to the Bible for guidance, we discover that the Bible calls us to seek reconciliation. Divorce is not God's desire. It is true that ultimately you cannot keep your spouse from divorcing you. Even God had to grant Israel a divorce because she refused to turn from her sinful ways  (Jeremiah 3:8). But that was after years of seeking reconciliation. And even yet, God has not given up on Israel - there will be future reconciliation.

If this email finds you in the midst of a marital separation, I want to encourage you to seek reconciliation. Even if your spouse ultimately refuses your efforts, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you were faithful to the Biblical ideal.

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