When the Nest Isn't Emptying

The not-so-empty nest syndrome is on the rise. Adult children used to leave home shortly after finishing high school. But times have changed, and today nearly 20 million young adults still live at home with Mom and Dad.

This was not in the script for many of these midlife parents. They were looking forward to having more time for themselves. They expected to feel a brief time of loss after the children left, but they anticipated increased freedom.

The reasons for staying with parents often make sense, but it still creates new stresses. Once they are out of high school, they expect to be treated differently. But they are still living at home and still have expectations of their parents. These differing expectations often create conflicts.

If your high school graduate wants to continue living at home, it's time for a family conference. You thought they would graduate and move out. They did graduate, but the stay at home may be extended. Perhaps they are going to a local college and stay home to save money. Perhaps they want to take some "time off" from school, but aren't ready to "get a job." Perhaps they are emotionally and financially unable to live apart from you. Whatever the reason, it's time for a family conference.

The big issue is to clarify expectations. You cannot do this without open communication. An open forum where each family member can share ideas and feelings and together you can come to an agreement. You as parents need to listen carefully to the thoughts, feelings, and desires of your child. This does not mean that they have the final word, but it does mean that you take their opinions seriously. On the other hand, you need to be honest about your own thoughts and feelings. Without talking and listening you will never be able to clarify expectations.

Certainly emerging young adults should be given more freedom than high school students, but freedom does not preclude responsibility. If they are to live at home, they must assume responsibilities for the welfare and peace of the family. Living under the same roof means that we must respect each other and learn to work together as a team for the benefit of all. Some of the areas that need to be addressed are: finances, chores or household responsibilities, noise levels, and other common courtesies. You may have to negotiate agreement on these matters, but it is essential that everyone get on the same page. Otherwise, conflict will become a way of life and family unity will be destroyed. Balancing freedom and responsibility makes for harmonious relationships.

Frequently the personal values of young adults differ from those of their parents. However, if your grown children plan to continue living in your house, you have the right to ask them to respect your values. It is appropriate for you to insist that they not bring their "lover" into your house for an overnight sexual encounter. It is also appropriate for you to insist that they not use tobacco, alcohol, or drugs in your house, if these are your values.

In doing this, you are not enforcing your personal values on them, but you are expecting your adult child to respect your beliefs and not to violate them while living in your house. A kind but firm commitment to your own values demonstrates your strength of character. Your child would probably be disappointed in you if you failed to maintain the values you have taught them through the years. You may not always have agreement, but you can have harmony in the house.

Clarifying expectations is also a part of making life better for everyone. Don't just continue in your stress. Call a family conference and negotiate understanding. It's good for your health, your marriage, and the well-being of your child.

Adapted from Parenting Your Adult Child: How You Can Help Them Achieve Their Potential Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Dr. Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.