May I Have Your Attention, Please

Love Language: Quality Time
What are some things that you know your spouse would like for you to do? Make a list. If your list includes: Get a baby-sitter and go out to dinner, just the two of us. Or, Take a walk together and talk as we walk. Or, Sit down and talk about your day before you run off to do other things. Then, your spouse's love language is Quality Time.

What speaks most deeply to him/her is for you to give them your undivided attention. It is not enough to be in the same house. They want to know, "Do you really love me?" "If you love me," they reason, "then you will spend time with me." If you have time for golf, church, and computers but no time for your spouse, they will feel unloved. Learn to speak the language of Quality Time and you will enhance the emotional climate of your marriage.


Attention, please.
Being in the same house is not to be equated with quality time. A central aspect of quality time is togetherness. Togetherness has to do with focused attention. When a father is sitting on the floor, rolling a ball to his two year old, his attention is not focused on the ball but on his child. For that brief moment, however long it lasts, they are together.

A husband who is watching sports on television while he talks to his wife is not giving her quality time, because she does not have his full attention. Quality time does not mean that we have to spend hours gazing into each other's eyes. It does mean that for the moment we are giving our full attention to the other person. Quality time is one of the fundamental languages of love.

Let's Talk.
Most individuals who complain that their spouse does not talk, do not mean literally that he or she never says a word. They mean that they seldom take part in meaningful conversation: sharing thoughts, feelings, and desires. If your spouse's primary love language is quality time, such dialogue is crucial to his or her emotional sense of being loved.

If I am sharing my love for you by means of quality time, it means I will focus on drawing you out, listening empathetically to what you are saying. I will ask questions, not in a badgering manner, but with a genuine desire to understand what you are thinking, feeling, and what you desire of me. Have you had such a conversation with your spouse this week. If not, then why not do it today?

Are You Listening?
Many of us are trained to analyze problems and create solutions. We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve. When your wife shares a problem that is going on at her work what is your normal response? If you give her advice, you are not meeting her need. Unless she asks for advice, she does not want advice.

She wants you to hear her struggle and express understanding of her hurt, stress and pressure. She wants to know that you love her and the you are with her. We must be willing to give advice, but only when it is requested and never in a condescending manner. What your spouse wants is love, not advice. Learn to listen and express understanding and your spouse will feel loved.

Communication 101
If your spouse complains that you don't talk, please stay tuned for the next 60 seconds. Self-revelation does not come easy for some of us. In childhood we were taught to keep our thoughts and feelings inside.

Here's an exercise that will help. Every three hours take five minutes and write down what has happened in that three hours and what emotions you felt. For example:
The driver behind me was riding my bumper. I felt angry.
The gas pump did not give me a receipt. I felt irritated.
My work associate came in 20 minutes late. I felt resentment.
I was told my project is due in 3 days. I feel frustrated and anxious.
Now, take these home and share them with your spouse. You will learn talk and your marriage will be enhanced.

Adapted from the A Love Language Minute broadcast. Share your questions, thoughts insights, or comments by joining the conversation on Facebook at facebook.com/5lovelanguages.