Don’t Change the Guy

by Mark Gungor on January 19th, 2010

Way too many women are dating guys thinking they can change or morph them into the man they want him to be. It would be far better to just find a guy that is more of what you want. If he’s a frog, you aren’t going to turn him into prince charming. You need to move on. I don’t know what it is in the female psyche that makes women think that the bum will be different when they are married.

If you don’t like the fact that he isn’t a devoted follower of Jesus, or that he smokes or is a slob, or whatever—you fill in the blank—but think by some “magical cosmic force” he’ll be different once you are married, you are fooling yourself. Women will say they want a solid Christian man, someone with a good job and a wonderful mother but date a guy who stays in bed and watches TV rather than going to church, can’t hold a steady job and whose mother is a banshee. Then they think these things will go away, won’t matter or that they can change him. These ladies are in for a ton of misery.


First, make sure your expectations are realistic. If your list includes a guy who looks like a Greek god, is a millionaire, loves cats, has June Cleaver for a mother, sings like Pavarotti and has the entire bible memorized in 3 translations, you probably won’t find him! Be realistic and then decide which ones are deal breakers. Maybe it’s the future in-laws, or health issues, or values like the depth and commitment of their faith. You have to decide what you can and can’t live with—or live without! But don’t kid yourself into thinking that those things that bug you and those things you don’t like will not matter down the matrimonial road. They will matter and you’ll end up wondering if the road took a detour through hell.

I frequently have women talk to me and tell me all the things wrong with the cretin they are married to. When I ask them if he did those things before they were married, the answer is almost always — yes! Come on, think it through! If you didn’t like these things before, then what made you think it would be different after the “I dos” were said? It’s that inexplicable (and ridiculous) notion in the brain of a woman that says, “But I can change him!” Guys don’t think that way. In fact, most men don’t want the woman they fall in love with to change one bit after marriage! They are perfectly content to have their brides stay just as they are!

You can’t make a man into the one you want him to be or the idealized version you wish he would be. You need find the one that most closely fits your mold…and he still won’t be perfect! There will always be things in marriage that make men and women crazy. Again, make sure your expectations are realistic. If the dude doesn’t make the grade, don’t assume that you can do “extreme husband makeover” on him. You’ll just bring a lot of grief to yourself and the poor fellow you are trying to remodel.