The Importance of Parental Love

Secure in Love

A mother recently said to me, "I don't know if I'm ready for my children to become teenagers. It seems like all teenagers are having sex, using drugs, and carrying guns to school. Is it really that bad?" The answer is 'no'. It is true that 10% of teenagers are troubled and get into trouble, but most of them were troubled children. Good kids don't suddenly go bad in adolescence.

When teens are secure in the love of their parents, they will have confidence to face the negative influences in our culture. In my opinion, nothing is more important than parental love. The teen wants to feel connected, accepted, and nurtured by parents. When this happens the teen will move through adolescence in a healthy manner.

Connected in Love

We've heard a great deal about the importance of bonding between parent and infant. What we haven't heard is that bonding is no less important for the teenager and his parents. Bonding requires time together spent in a positive atmosphere. The opposite of feeling connected is the feeling of abandonment. The teen who feels abandoned will have emotional struggles.

Emotional connectedness requires communication. Where do you talk with your teenager? I'd like to suggest a radical thought. Have at least one meal a day with your family, and share what is happening in your lives. A second thought: Do something with your teenager at least once a week. Follow these suggestions and your teen will likely feel connected.

Accepted in Love

In order to feel loved, teenagers need to feel accepted. The opposite of acceptance is rejection. Research indicates that almost all violent teenagers feel rejected by their parents. But how do you communicate acceptance, when you don't like their behavior? God is our model. We are "accepted in Christ," even though God is not always pleased with our behavior.

The message we seek to communicate is "I love you because you are my child. I don't always like what you do, but I will never reject you. I will always be here doing what I believe is best for you. I will love you even if you don't follow my advice, but because I love you, I must give you my advice. I love you no matter what."

Nurtured in Love

Teenagers are like tender plants that need to be nurtured. To nurture is 'to feed' the inner spirit. The opposite of nurture is abuse. Hostile, cutting, harsh words from parents kill the teenager's spirit. Slapping shoving, pushing, and beating will almost always produce a rebellious teenager. Nurturing parents are encouraging: looking for the positive things their teenagers do and say and commending them.

I do not mean that you sit idly by and let them do things that will be destructive. The nurturing parent says, "What you did was wrong and you must suffer the consequences. But I want you to know that I believe in you. I don't think that this behavior reflects the real you. I think you are a caring person. I love you and want to help you."

Reconciled in Love

David Popenoe, professor of sociology at Rutgers University said, "Children develop best when they are provided the opportunity to have warm, intimate, continuous, and enduring relationships with both their fathers and their mothers." In today's culture, with so many broken families is it any wonder that we have so many troubled children?

May I say a word to those couples who have recently separated, and have children. I know that your marriage is in trouble. I know that the pain may seem unbearable. And I'm not asking you to go back into an abusive relationship, but I am asking you to consider reconciliation. I wrote my book: Hope for the Separated, for you. You will never regret seeking reconciliation, even if you are not successful.

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