Making Sex a Mutual Joy

Not Taboo

Contrary to the opinion of some, sex is not a topic that God finds taboo. In fact, sex was God's idea. He created us male and female and He instituted marriage with the intent that two would become 'one flesh'. Why then do so many couples fail to find satisfaction in this important area of marriage? I want to suggest one major reason: Unrealistic expectations.

Films, magazines, and novels convey the idea that sexual thrill and mutual satisfaction are automatic. That is simply not true. God told Israel that a young couple should 'take a year' and learn to pleasure each other. What makes us think that we can do so in less time?

The Truth About Sex

Some Christians have a negative attitude toward sex. It may have come from a distorted sex education, an unfortunate sexual experience as a child, or sexual involvement as a teenager that brought disappointment and guilt. The origin is relatively unimportant. The important thing is to understand that we choose our attitudes.

The first step in overcoming a negative attitude is exposure to the truth. The truth about sex is that within marriage it is God ordained and designed to bring mutual pleasure. As in all of life we are called to live by the truth. We admit our negative attitudes and feelings, but we don't serve them. With the help of God we live according to His revealed truth.

Sexual Baggage

One of the realities in contemporary society is that many couples come to marriage with previous sexual experience, either with each other, or with other partners. The commonly held idea is that sexual experience before marriage better prepares you for marriage. All of the research indicates otherwise. In fact, the divorce rate is twice as high among those who have been sexually active before marriage.

The Christian answer is the confession of wrongdoing and genuinely forgiving each other for past failures. The scars of the past may remain, but the scars serve as a reminder of the grace and love of God. When God forgives us, He no longer holds it against us. We in turn, forgive each other.

Sexy Communication

In a society that is saturated with sex, why do so many couples struggle in this area of marriage? One of the reasons is that we fail to communicate. Your wife will never know your feelings, needs, and desires if you do not express them. Your husband will never know what pleases you if you do not communicate. I have never known a couple who gained sexual oneness without open communication about sexual matters.

Make a list of suggestions you would like to make to your spouse that would make this part of the marriage better for you. If you would like to read a list made by other husbands and wives see my book: The Marriage You've Always Wanted. Communication is the road to finding mutual sexual fulfillment in marriage.

Understanding Sex

What is the purpose of sex in marriage? What was God's design? I want to suggest three reasons clearly revealed in Scripture.

• First, and most obvious is procreation or reproduction. It was God's design to provide a safe haven in which to rear children.
• A second purpose is companionship. Sex is designed to be a bonding experience. The biblical term is: The two become 'one flesh'. It is deep deep companionship. I believe that is why it is reserved for marriage. It is our unique expression that we are 'one'.
• A third purpose for sex in marriage is for pleasure. If you doubt this, read The Song of Solomon in the Bible. God's design was mutual sexual pleasure.

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