DEAR GARY...

by Dr. Gary Chapman

We are to the point of divorce. Can you help?

Question: My husband and I are at the point of divorce. Though he has agreed to look at some of your materials with me. Can you give us a starting point?

Answer: I would suggest you start with my book The 5 Love Languages. Ask him if he would be willing to read the first chapter this week if you read the first chapter. And at the end of the week, you will share one thing you learned and he will share one thing he learned. It's a good way to get started. Then, if he feels good about it and you feel good about it, take chapter two the next week. Work your way through the book one chapter per week. By the end of the book, I think you both will have rediscovered how to love each other, and how to stimulate warm feelings toward each other. Chances are he'll be willing to share another book with you. Sharing a book is one way to stimulate marital growth.

How do we prepare for spending time apart?

Question: My wife and I are both active duty Marines, and we spend a lot off time away from each other. How do we start talking when we know one of us will be leaving soon?

Answer: I think one of the ways you prepare yourself for the separation is to talk with each other about some of the things that you really enjoyed during the time you were together. And then to ask the other person: What are some things I can do while you're away that would be helpful to you to have done while I'm gone? I think another factor is to say to them, "how can we stay in touch while we're away?" And the good news is, for example, the love languages can be spoken long distance by emails or phone calls or letters. But talking about that before you go can set the stage for your actually speaking love long distance.

What if I speak one love language and receive a different one?

Question: Is it possible to speak one love language but want to receive a different one?

Answer: Absolutely; About 75% of us speak what we want to receive, but about 25% speak one language predominantly but prefer a different language-probably because we learn to speak that language when we're children. So it's okay, you're not abnormal. For 75% of us what we're speaking is what we want but for the others, they're speaking one language and desiring another. The important thing is that you learn to speak your spouse's primary language, or in your case your boyfriend's language, and he learns how to speak your language. When you do that, you keep love alive-even when you come down off the high of the in-love experience.

To read more Q&A or daily thoughts from Gary, visit his blog at 5lovelanguages.com.

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