Practically Speaking - June 7, 2013

Words Of Affirmation
My husband and I have the exact same love language. Why do we feel disconnected?

Many times, if a couple happens to have the same love languages, they have different dialects within those languages. So, you still think that what makes you feel loved makes them feel loved. The best way to handle that is to say to them, “Okay, so Words of Affirmation is your love language. It’s my love language too. What are the kinds of words that you like to hear from me? And where do you like to hear them? In private or in public?” So, find out something about the nuances of speaking their love language. That’s the key: learning to speak their language and their dialect of that language.
 

Acts Of Service
How can I communicate my love language of acts of service to my husband when he is overseas for long periods of time?

Here’s what I suggest, if your husband’s love language is acts of service and he is overseas and, consequently you can’t do acts of service for him physically, then in your emails or phone calls to him you say, “I just want to let you know, I’ve been loving you today. I took the garbage out, mowed the grass, mopped the floor…” Tell him the things you do for him that he appreciates, that when you do those things you’re thinking about him and about how much you love him. He’ll get it and emotionally he will feel your love.
 

Receiving Gifts
My daughter is dating a guy whose love language is Receiving Gifts. However, she is on a very tight budget. How would she show this?

Don’t assume that because a person’s love language is Receiving Gifts that you have to give expensive gifts. That’s not true. If gifts is a person’s love language, then little gifts will mean just as much as large and expensive gifts. They know if you’re on a budget and if you don’t have a lot of extra funds around. So simply buying a piece of candy or something else small, it says to them, “they were thinking about me, they got this for me.”

So it doesn’t have to be an expensive gift, it’s the thought that counts. But don’t ignore the reality that their love language is “Receiving Gifts.” Give them gifts but stay within your budget.
 

Quality Time
My wife and I are both active duty Marines, and we spend a lot off time away from each other. How do we start talking when we know one of us will be leaving soon?

I think one of the ways you prepare yourself for the separation is to talk with each other about some of the things that you really enjoyed during the time you were together. And then to ask the other person: What are some things I can do while you’re away that would be helpful to you to have done while I’m gone?

I think another factor is to say to them, “how can we stay in touch while we’re away?” And the good news is, for example, the love languages can be spoken long distance by emails or phone calls or letters. But talking about that before you go can set the stage for your actually speaking love long distance.

Physical Touch
My husband got a zero for physical touch on your online quiz and I got a zero. How do I deal with it?

He must learn how to reach out and give you the kind of touches that communicate love to you—just as you must learn to speak his love language. It usually doesn’t come natural to speak a language that is not native to us, so it will be just as difficult for him as it is for you. But if you both understand how important this is—that this is what is going to make the other person feel loved—it makes learning to speak each other’s primary love language much easier. I deal with thoroughly in my book The 5 Love Languages, so if you’ve not yet read it and only taken the quiz, I want to encourage you do so. I would also recommend you get your husband the men’s edition because in it I give guys several additional ideas on how to speak all five languages.