Practically Speaking - July 12, 2013

Words Of Affirmation
You'd be surprised how incredibly fulfilling a genuine "thank you" is to someone whose love language is Words of Affirmation. Next time you have a chance to express appreciation look that person in the eyes, pause until you have their attentiont, and say something like, "I just want you to know I am really appreciate ___________. Thank you."
 

Acts Of Service
Next time there is a load of dishes in the sink, offer to help your spouse. The dishes will get done quickly leaving plenty of time for other fun activities.
 

Receiving Gifts
Pillow presents can be small and playful, as much as they are meaningful. When the one you love isn't looking or in another room, place a small gift on their pillow. It may or may not be take some time for them to notice, but when they do you will most certainly know. The fun is in the anticipation.
 

Quality Time
Though it is not the dialect of every Quality Timer's love language, watching a T.V. show or series together can be a way to speak Quality Time. Sharing the experience of story as it unfolds can be meaningful and even lead to conversations (more Quality Time). So if the one you love loves movies or a particular TV series, grab some snacks, dim the lights, and cuddle up!

Physical Touch
If your spouse speaks the love language of Physical Touch, consider starting a "Project Touch." The goal? Touch your way to a better marriage by finding more ways to touch each other each and every day. This could be sexual, non-sexual, or both. Get creative and have fun!

Practically Speaking (Singles Edition) - July 5, 2013

Words Of Affirmation
With the rise of technology today, a hand-written letter from a trusted friend is almost unheard of. Take some time to find some interesting stationary and write a letter to someone you care about.

Acts Of Service
Ask a friend if you can take their car out for a little detail. Take it to the wash, vacuum it out, add an air freshener, and top off the gas tank! If their love language is Acts of Service, the gas tank won't be the only tank you'll be topping off.
 

Receiving Gifts
Parents are known for getting their children gifts, but what about vice-versa? Declare a Parent Appreciation Day and plan a special evening including a nice meal and some gifts. Let them know you appreciate them for who they are in your life.
 

Quality Time
Is there a friend you haven't seen in a while? Why not make it a point to catch up?! Give them a call, go for coffee, meet for pizza and spend some time listening, sharing, and learning about their life.
 

Physical Touch
Sporting events are full of celebration. Take a few people to your favorite team's next game. Make sure to give plenty of high fives and fist bumps—they always make rooting for your team extra fun! 

Practically Speaking - June 28, 2013

Words Of Affirmation
When on vacation, many people enjoy visiting the ocean or a beach of some sort. As you frolic in near the water, take advantage of the wet sand to write fun, playful, and/or loving words to those you love. Creation never looked so good!

Acts Of Service
Airports can be stressful and nerve racking on your way to a vacation destination. Relieve some of the burden by offering to carry the bags of someone you love.

Receiving Gifts
Most people enjoy receiving small gifts from someone who travels. During your vacation, take some time in the shops to think of those you love and pick up a small gift to let them know you were thinking about them.

Quality Time
What better way to spend quality time than to take a vacation with those you love?! During your trip be intentional to explore each others feelings, dreams, goals, and perspectives. Ask questions and then really listen. Turn off the phone and be in the moment with those you love.

Physical Touch
If your spouse's primary love language is physical touch, vacations can be a blast! Holding hands in the thrill of the moment on a roller coaster ride. Applying sun tan lotion near the pool. Getting playful in the ocean. Holding hands at a romantic cafe.

Practically Speaking (Childrens' Edition) - June 21, 2013

Words Of Affirmation
Write sticky notes of affirmation and stick them on the fridge, mirror, front door, and any where else your child will see. Describe not just what you appreciate about what they do, but who they are.
 

Acts Of Service
Children often have trouble keeping their room clean. This weekend, offer to help them clean their room or organize their clothes. Not only will it help then feel loved, it will give you some peace of mind.
 

Receiving Gifts
Even if it isn't their primary love language, most kids enjoy gifts. Go to the local dollar store or candy shop. Pick out a handful of small items you think he/she will enjoy and give it to them at a special moment.
 

Quality Time
Take some time out to turn off the phone and take your child to the park, play a video game together, talk, read a book, or go on a special outing together. Talk about whatever they want to talk about. Don't forget to really listen and pay close attention to what they have to say.
 

Physical Touch
Spins, hugs, back scratches, tossing the hair all communicate love to a child whose primary love language is physical touch. Moms, paint your daughters toe nails. Dads, take your son to the park and play some basketball. Don't shy away from your child. Your appropriate touch makes them feel secure and loved.

Practically Speaking (Workplace Edition) - June 14, 2013

Words Of Affirmation
Words of Affirmation can easily be expressed in the workplace electronically—email, messaging, social media, or text. However, a hand-written note, card, or verbal affirmation may add a personal touch that feels a bit more meaningful to the recipient. Look for opportunities to give Words of Affirmation, not only for what people do, but for who they are.
 

Acts Of Service
True leadership requires a willingness to serve others—either one's customers or colleagues. If there is someone who appears frustrated or overwhelmed at work, ask them if you can be of assistance. Have a good attitude and help the way they want you to help, not just the way you think you should help. This is achieved by clarifying exactly how they want you to help before you begin.
 

Receiving Gifts
Sometimes it's not only the face to face gifts that make a difference—it's that you were thinking others that means something to a Gifts person. Maybe it's a snack you bring in for everyone, some fresh coffee to replace the stale brew in the break room, or some gift cards you distribute around the office to a local bakery. Discover ways you can brighten someones day through small and unexpected gifts, and you will make the Giftie a very happy colleague.
 

Quality Time
In the workplace, Quality Timers feel valued when you spend time with them. Take them to lunch, stop by their office to chat, invite them to a sporting event, or give them a call just to see how they are doing. It's important to make sure when spending time together you are not just there physically, but emotionally as well. Your attention and attitude will make a significant difference in how authentic they perceive your gesture.
 

Physical Touch
Appropriate is the key word. Appropriate Physical Touch can be a high five, handshake, pat on the back, or maybe even a fist bump. If you see a colleague who rarely expresses appreciation to others in these ways, you can safely assume that they probably wouldn't appreciate the gesture from you. Therefore, observe the people who are already expressing these types of gestures to others and mark them as those who would most likely appreciate a fist bump from you when the merger goes through.

Practically Speaking - June 7, 2013

Words Of Affirmation
My husband and I have the exact same love language. Why do we feel disconnected?

Many times, if a couple happens to have the same love languages, they have different dialects within those languages. So, you still think that what makes you feel loved makes them feel loved. The best way to handle that is to say to them, “Okay, so Words of Affirmation is your love language. It’s my love language too. What are the kinds of words that you like to hear from me? And where do you like to hear them? In private or in public?” So, find out something about the nuances of speaking their love language. That’s the key: learning to speak their language and their dialect of that language.
 

Acts Of Service
How can I communicate my love language of acts of service to my husband when he is overseas for long periods of time?

Here’s what I suggest, if your husband’s love language is acts of service and he is overseas and, consequently you can’t do acts of service for him physically, then in your emails or phone calls to him you say, “I just want to let you know, I’ve been loving you today. I took the garbage out, mowed the grass, mopped the floor…” Tell him the things you do for him that he appreciates, that when you do those things you’re thinking about him and about how much you love him. He’ll get it and emotionally he will feel your love.
 

Receiving Gifts
My daughter is dating a guy whose love language is Receiving Gifts. However, she is on a very tight budget. How would she show this?

Don’t assume that because a person’s love language is Receiving Gifts that you have to give expensive gifts. That’s not true. If gifts is a person’s love language, then little gifts will mean just as much as large and expensive gifts. They know if you’re on a budget and if you don’t have a lot of extra funds around. So simply buying a piece of candy or something else small, it says to them, “they were thinking about me, they got this for me.”

So it doesn’t have to be an expensive gift, it’s the thought that counts. But don’t ignore the reality that their love language is “Receiving Gifts.” Give them gifts but stay within your budget.
 

Quality Time
My wife and I are both active duty Marines, and we spend a lot off time away from each other. How do we start talking when we know one of us will be leaving soon?

I think one of the ways you prepare yourself for the separation is to talk with each other about some of the things that you really enjoyed during the time you were together. And then to ask the other person: What are some things I can do while you’re away that would be helpful to you to have done while I’m gone?

I think another factor is to say to them, “how can we stay in touch while we’re away?” And the good news is, for example, the love languages can be spoken long distance by emails or phone calls or letters. But talking about that before you go can set the stage for your actually speaking love long distance.

Physical Touch
My husband got a zero for physical touch on your online quiz and I got a zero. How do I deal with it?

He must learn how to reach out and give you the kind of touches that communicate love to you—just as you must learn to speak his love language. It usually doesn’t come natural to speak a language that is not native to us, so it will be just as difficult for him as it is for you. But if you both understand how important this is—that this is what is going to make the other person feel loved—it makes learning to speak each other’s primary love language much easier. I deal with thoroughly in my book The 5 Love Languages, so if you’ve not yet read it and only taken the quiz, I want to encourage you do so. I would also recommend you get your husband the men’s edition because in it I give guys several additional ideas on how to speak all five languages.

Practically Speaking - May 31, 2013

Words Of Affirmation
Vow to yourself that you will very carefully consider the words you use with those you love, especially in emotionally charged situations. That extra few seconds finding the right words will have much more impact than the torrent that can flow from a heated exchange.
 

Acts Of Service
Are you feeling a bit too overwhelmed for Spring cleaning? Plan a CLEAN-A-THON! Plot your course by going from room to room, writing down one thing you would like to do in each. Grab a stopwatch and get started: Spend five minutes in each room cleaning, folding, organizing—whatever you previously listed. When the five-minute mark hits, sprint to the next room. Repeat cycle until you've accomplished your goal. Break as needed.
 

Receiving Gifts
Who says that men don't deserve a little pampering, as well? Chances are your town has a barber or grooming salon that caters to men, so arrange for a lengthy session including a haircut, shave, and any other services they offer that your man will appreciate.
 

Quality Time
It's time to discover something new with someone you appreciate or love. Find a new restaurant for dinner. Walk in a park you've never been to. Try the new coffee shop up the street. Not only will this be a fun experience for you both, it will also allow you to create new memories together.
 

Physical Touch
Sometimes the gift of touch needs to be your partner's choice. When you have the opportunity, don't just immediately take their hand . . . instead reach out, showing your intent, and let them choose to take yours. The gesture shows your desire for their touch too, and how much you value your shared tactile experience.

Practically Speaking - May 24, 2013

Words Of Affirmation
Grab some sidewalk chalk and have some fun with it! For example: If you want to show love or appreciate someone who has taken the car to work, write a big "VIP Parking" in a car shaped rectangle on the driveway where they park. Then draw a path of affirming words they are to follow once they get out of the car. By the time they reach the house, they will feel loved.
 

Acts Of Service
Over the cold winter months you may have had the delight of acquiring some useless things. Team up with a loved one to find those physical (or even digital) items no longer vital for your lives together. If they need a new home, then pack them up and take to the nearest thrift shop or family in need. If not, trash them. You'll be amazed at the freedom you'll both feel.
 

Receiving Gifts
Who says you can't make up your own holiday? Who says only birthdays and anniversaries are worthy of gifts? Pick a day with your partner, clear the calendar, and celebrate. Make your own theme, suggest appropriate gifts and go all out marking the day you choose.
 

Quality Time
Spend some time reading your child A Perfect Pet for Peyton. Your child will enjoy the story, finding the hidden animals, and the interactive iPhone app that brings the book to life. Most of all, they will enjoy the quality time with you.
 

Physical Touch
When separated by distance, having physical items that belong to one another may serve as a tangible substitute. Perhaps a shirt sprayed with the cologne or perfume of your significant other may remind you of each other and of enjoyable times together.

Practically Speaking - May 17, 2013

Words Of Affirmation
"My husband's primary love language is Words of Affirmation. On one of his birthdays, I wrote a single word of each of his best attributes on vellum paper. There were about 80 of them and I put in a small paper jewelry box with my picture on top. And during our lunch he read every one and I could tell he really loved it!" ~Anonymous
 

Acts Of Service
If you have children, offer to take care of them for a few hours so that your spouse can rest.
 

Receiving Gifts
Most people enjoy a good writing utensil. Next time you are at a store, look at the pens and see if there are any that seem a cut above average. Pick it up for anyone whose primary love or appreciation language is Receieving Gifts.
 

Quality Time
The NBA playoff season is a great time to get together with colleagues and watch sports together. Take the initiative and see what people are doing and if they'd like to get together!
 

Physical Touch
Cooking with your spouse often provides moments of close interaction. If your spouse's love language is Physical Touch, maximize these moments with your loving or playful touch.

Practically Speaking - May 10, 2013

Words Of Affirmation
"Whenever my friends are encountering a challenge or bad situation in their lives, I send them a message telling them that I believe in them. I also remind them of God's great love and purpose for their life." ~Elionei
 

Acts Of Service
"When my husband bought his motorcycle, I did not like it at all. I finally went on a ride and now I love it! When he is getting the cycle ready for riding, I'll go out and help him clean it. He loves me helping and I get my tank filled with quality time, too!" ~Anonymous
 

Receiving Gifts
If someone you love has a Pinterest (or other social media site) pagewhere they post items on their wish list, check it out. Pick something you know they've been pining for, and present it to them when they least expect it.
 

Quality Time
Find a bench at a shopping center, park, or alongside a beach. People watch. Take photographs. Talk about what you see. Make up fictional conversations of the people you see walking by. Point out interesting flowers near the scene. Stop and take everything in around you, especially each other.
 

Physical Touch
Next time you go to a restaurant with someone your spouse, ask to be seated in a booth. Sit on the same side. It may seem awkward at first as people stare. However, the gawks will turn to envy as they see you talk, laugh, and playfully touch shoulders, knees, and hands.

Practically Speaking

Words of Affirmation
"I put a note in his jacket pocket or inside his laptop, expressing how I feel about him and thanking him for everything he does for me. " ~Cindy

Acts of Service
"It is our habit to iron all clothes to use throughout the week on a Saturday evening. My wife does not enjoy ironing; so whenever I'm around, I ask her to bring all her clothes to wear through the week and I iron them together with mine." ~Medadi

Receiving Gifts
The gift of self can provide an intangible something that speaks even louder than a tangible gift. Being there for someone in a time of need, or maybe even a time of want, can very much count as a gift.

Quality Timw
"My wife has more than a full-time job being a stay-at-home mom, so to give her a break in her daily busy routine I've implemented Weekday Walks with Dad. So after greeting my wife when I get home, I greet my daughter and take her on a 30-45 minute walk around our condo complex. Not only does this allow me to decompress from my busy day at work, it also allows me to spend Quality Time with my daughter, and it's a small gift/act of service to my wife for all the sacrifice she makes for our family. Love is great!" ~Gregory

Physical Touch
"When my husband and I are sitting in church, I will spontaneously write on the back of his hand with my finger "I Love You". I always get a smile and a squeeze back and he knows that I am thinking of him out of the blue." ~Jennifer

Practically Speaking

Words of Affirmation
"I write the words "I love you" or "I'm thinking of you" or even "Baby, you're the greatest" into a banana and pack it in his lunch box. You can write with anything sharp into the peel and it will show up clearly in just a few minutes."  ~Anonymous

Acts of Service
"My husband works a swing shift, and as a result he is always tired. When he is coming home from work after working 3-11pm, I sometimes surprise him by having the garbage can brought out to the road (typically his job) and having a snack plate and beverages ready for both of us to sit down together and have some quality time and snuggling. His big smile is a wonderful reward for me and fills my love tank too!" ~Jennifer

Receiving Gifts
Do they have a favorite author? If so, pick up a title from their favorite author at a local book store. If you can find a classic, autographed, or authentic vintage edition at a used bookstore or yard sale . . . even better!

Quality Time
"I like to make eye contact and give my undivided attention as I am speaking or as they are speaking to me." ~Anonymous

Physical Touch
"I frequently sit on the couch with my husband and rub his feet and legs. Or other massages as needed are much appreciated. Doing this without being asked is wonderful! Just being willing to serve is best. It covers so many of the love languages too." ~Paula

Practically Speaking

Words Of Affirmation
"When I have to spend a night away from my family, I write a note to each of them and put it under their doona (blanket) so they only find it when they hop into bed for the night. The note tells them how much I love them and look forward to seeing them again soon."  ~Gwen

Acts Of Service
"I will make my husband his evening coffee and take it to him, even if I'm steaming mad at him. I want him to know I love him, mad or not." ~Aubrie

Receiving Gifts
Get a bag of mixed individually wrapped candies/chocolate and hide them all around the house. Count the pieces as you go. Then when the person you love notices the first one, tell them there are X number more hidden around the house. Their love tank will start to fill with each piece they find. *Note: Make sure it is a candy they enjoy.

Quality Time
"I occasionally do an at home social hour. I'll buy or make one of my husband's favorite appetizers and a light dinner to go with it. Then I'll send him an evite to our private social hour. I once listed 'live entertainment provided by Max & Pee Dee' (our 2 bulldogs)." ~Marianne

Physical Touch
"My husband does 75% of the driving when we take road trips to see family. To make him feel loved and appreciated for this, I reach over from my seat on the passenger side and give him neck and shoulder rubs while he is driving. It keeps him from tensing up and lets him know I love him!" ~Nita

Practically Speaking

Words Of Affirmation
Do you have a song that is memorable between you and your spouse? If so, see if there is a music video or streaming link online and send it to him/her via text or email. The lyrics will be a warm reminder of the love you share. (Relationship: Marriage)

Acts Of Service
I got it! Learn to insert these words whenever there is a need you can fill. What does this mean? Well, it plays out like this: When there are groceries to be brought in . . . "I got it." When there are dishes to do . . . "I got it." When someone needs to sweep the floor or wipe up a spilled mess . . . "I got it." When someone has their hands full and needs the door opened . . . "I got it." You get the idea (pun intended)! This type of attitude will not only show that you care, but also courtesy and respect for others. (Relationship: All)

Receiving Gifts
Husbands, try bringing home some flowers for your wife today. If you are on a budget, wildflowers are nice too. It's not what you spend. Rather, it's the fact that you were thinking about her. (Relationship: Husband to Wife)

Quality Time
Dad: Sometimes you need to run an errand or go to the store. If you are able, try to bring at least one of your children with you. This will encourage them and make them feel special. (Relationship: Father to Child)

Physical Touch
When trying to communicate something really important to a spouse, child, or loved one whose primary love language is Physical Touch, reach out and hold their hands as you communicate face to face. Your attention and kind touch will comfort and assure them of your love. (Relationship: Marriage, Family, Love)

Practically Speaking: 5 April 2013

Words Of Affirmation
Sometimes saying what we think can get us into trouble. But if you are in a relationship with a person whose primary love language is Words of Affirmation, learn to speak out the positive thoughts you have towards them. Husbands: if your wife looks nice when you come home, tell her. Wives: If you like the way he looks in those jeans, tell him. Parents: Tell your kids you are proud of them for working hard on difficult homework. Too often we miss the moment and unintentionally hold back the very words that can fill the love tanks of those we love. (Relationship: All)

Acts Of Service
Serving your spouse breakfast in bed can be a great way to fill his/her love tank. Think through the morning and prepare a plan of action. Don't just leave them stranded in the bed waiting until you fix everything without a magazine, book, or devotional—unless, of course, they are sleeping. Think through the presentation. Remember, don't let this expression of love backfire by neglecting the dishes or leaving a mess in the kitchen. (Relationship: Marriage)

Receiving Gifts
If you are a parent of an elementary aged student(s), visit your local dollar store and stock up on some little toys or trinkets that your child would enjoy. Then when packing his/her lunch, drop one in each day and let them find it at lunchtime. They will know you put a little extra thought—and love—into preparing their lunch and feel special. (Relationship: Parent to Child)

Practically Speaking: 22 March 2013

Words Of Affirmation
For the Words of Affirmation person, you are not limited to the expression alone (ex. I love you or I appreciate you). Although theses words fill their love tank, they also want to hear the reasons behind those words—why do you love me? Take a moment to think through why you love, care, or appreciate someone. It may be a spouse, family member, child, friend, colleague, or other relationship. Let them know the why behind the words and watch them light up with joy. (Relationship: All)

Acts Of Service
In the workplace, you can speak the Appreciation Language of Acts of Service. If you notice a coworker overwhelmed with projects, offer to help them out in some way. Not only will you strengthen a friendship, but you will also help to reduce their stress level and create a more positive work environment. (Relationship: Workplace)

Receiving Gifts
If you want to love or appreciate someone in your life who is primarily a Receiving Gifts person, try getting them a ticket to their favorite movie, theater, or sporting event. The key to making it extra special is to be listening ahead of time for their interests and purchase tickets accordingly. For example, if they despise The Hobbit, you may not score big with a tickets to that particular movie. Listen closely and the love tanks will be filled. (Relationship: Any)

Practically Speaking: 15 March 2013

Words Of Affirmation
"I leave post-it notes for my spouse saying how much I appreciate him and love him. I put them in his shoes, in his pants pockets, his wallet, attached to shelf in his bureau, when he lifts the toilet seat cover and on his car window. It just reminds him that I am thinking of him and I usually don't put them in the same place this way he's surprised. He loves getting them and I love writing them—little love notes." (Relationship: Marriage, Family) ~submitted anonymously

Acts Of Service
"One of the best things anyone can do for mom (or wife) is to empty the garbage without being asked. Why such a simple thing? Because it lightens mom's load and that simple task will be truly appreciated!" (Relationship: Household) ~submitted anonymously

Receiving Gifts
"I'm up before my wife in the morning. She is a tea drinker, not coffee. I have her tea ready and on her bathroom sink when she gets up every day. It's my special way of saying good morning to a special wife of 42 years." (Relationship: Marriage) ~submitted by Tery Albright

Practically Speaking: 8 March 2013

Words Of Affirmation
Saying "thank you" to someone whose primary love language is Words of Affirmation will mean more than it will to the average individual. In the same effect, the neglect of these words has the tendency to cut deeper. Acknowledge the ones you love by verbally showing your genuine appreciation.  (Relationship: All)

Acts Of Service
"I switch cars with my husband so I can have his jeep. I clean his jeep inside and out making sure it is detailed and polished then I usually leave a little love note or a kiss (using my brightest pink lipstick) on the review mirror; He usually leaves it on his mirror because he says he thinks about me as often as he looks into it! That makes the hard work all worth it!" ~Anonymous (Relationship: Wife to Husband)

Receiving Gifts
Does your spouse need a new Bible? This can be a very meaningful gift to someone who values their walk with God. The Love Languages Devotional Bible could be an option that adds the promise of devotional time together. (Relationship: Marriage)

Negative Emotions: Gift From God?

Listening to Your Emotions
Why do we consider our emotions as an enemy? One reason is that we know our feelings change. The lift us up and they let us down. Our highs don't last, and our lows are painful. We conclude, therefore, that emotions are unreliable. Perhaps the chief reason is that negative emotions don't seem to fit with our idea of being a "good Christian." 

Anger, fear, disappointment, loneliness, frustration, depression, and sorrow don't fit the stereotype of successful Christian living. The fact is negative and positive emotions are morally neutral. It is what we do in response to our emotions that leads to good or bad. Negative emotions call for positive action. Positive emotions call us to celebrate. Take time to listen to your emotions. 

Jesus Had Emotions
Have you ever done a Bible study on emotions? When I wrote The Marriage You've Always Wanted Bible Study, I felt it important to include a chapter on "Becoming Friends with My Feelings" because I think many Christians have a distorted view of emotions. Many people are surprised to discover that Jesus felt depression. Read it for yourself in Matthew 26:36-46. 

We have wrongly concluded that negative emotions are from Satan. The Scriptures teach that emotions are a gift from God. They motivate us to take constructive action. Anger motivated Jesus to clear the temple of robbers and thieves. Emotions call us to engage the mind and to make wise decisions on what needs to be done. When we make wise decisions, emotions have served their purpose.

5 "Aha" Marriage Tips You Need to Know: Part 3

#3 - I cannot change others, but I can influence others.

It's true, you cannot change your spouse, but you can and do influence your spouse every day. If you are still trying to change your spouse, then you are probably a master manipulator. You reason, "If I do this, then my spouse will do that." "If I can make him miserable enough, or happy enough, then I'll get what I want." I hate to discourage you, but you're on a dead end road. Even if he changes, he will resent you for manipulating him. 

A better approach is to be a positive influence on your spouse. You influence by your words and actions. If you look for something your spouse is doing that you like and give him verbal compliments, you are having a positive influence on him. If you do something for him that you know he will like, your actions influence him in a wholesome way. Your model begins to rub off on him. The reality of the power of positive influence holds tremendous potential for troubled marriages.

Continue the conversation: Share your questions, thoughts insights, or comments by joining the conversation on Facebook at facebook.com/5lovelanguages