Peter's Wife: Our Calling

Do you feel called by God to do what you are doing, right now, in the place you are doing it? Most cross cultural workers have some understanding of their calling. But in this edition of Peter’s Wife, I'd like to encourage you and maybe help you understand a little bit more about your calling.

We are among those called to belong to Jesus and to be saints (Rom. 1:6,7). Thankfully, God empowers us to live a life worthy of our calling: being humble, gentle, patient, bearing with one another, and making every effort to maintain unity. This is our calling as children of God (Eph. 4:1-3).

So every believer has a call. But most of us living overseas believe we also have a more specific calling to service. And as we all know, serving cross culturally is no easy calling.

Our calling is not the same as our job. Our job may change many times, yet our calling does not change. Our job may be the instrument we use to carry out our calling. I have had jobs as varied as campus nurse, Bible school instructor, secretary, web developer and master, editor, counselor, etc. But the calling to encourage and help those God brings across my path has never changed.

Like our personality that stays very stable throughout our lifetime, our calling also stays very much the same. It is like our spiritual DNA. And, like personality, we may discover new aspects of it all of our lives. 

A Woman Other Women Trust

Sarah, a married woman with two small children, was living and working overseas. She thought she knew why she was there: support her husband, take care of the kids, and help with their community development project with what time she had left.

But something else troubled her. So many women, both expatriate and local, looked lonely and frustrated, as though they had no one they could trust.  In her mind a surprising question grew:  "How can I be a woman other women trust?" This never bothered her when she was in her home country. Now, in this place, she wanted to help these women, but wasn't sure they would let her.

And why should they? When she was eight years old her mother just disappeared,  leaving her with her dad. She never saw her mom again. Her dad did his best, but she had no woman to look up to, ask questions of, or model herself after. After marriage she found that her mother-in-law was not a very motherly type, either. A good woman, yes, but not the kind of woman you felt you could trust with your secret struggles.

Gwen, another woman in her assigned country, seemed like the kind of woman who might have some answers. So she made a lunch date. While they sipped coffee that tasted like motor oil, only sweeter, Sarah told Gwen what was on her mind.

Anger Danger

Do cross-cultural workers ever get angry?  You know we do. In fact, unresolved anger has driven people away from their work and sent them home with their tails between their legs.

Actually, it is unrealistic to think we would never get angry. But it is realistic to learn what to do with that anger, and how to prevent explosions.

Anger has many causes, some unique to our cross-cultural context. But we may not find the help we need when we live and work overseas. After all, aren’t we supposed to be the strong ones?

I am indebted to a book called, She's Gonna Blow! by Julie Ann Barnhill for this discussion.

Julie's book is subtitled, 'Real help for moms dealing with anger.' Though she wrote the book with anger towards our children as the focus, much of what she discusses has real life applications for whatever stirs our wrath.

Anger is an emotion that can really affect families, co-workers, and nationals. It is not an emotion that can be ignored.

Julie compares our anger to a volcano. A mountain can look beautiful, peaceful, and fertile while the magma is boiling and coming slowly to the surface. Finally, one day it spews forth poisonous gases, liquid magma or lava as the volcano erupts. We can look lovely, calm, and productive on the outside while anger boils and slowly rises to the surface. When the volcano of our anger erupts a lot of damage occurs.

Third Culture Kids' Friendships - final

by Diane Constantine

Now let’s consider other effects of multiple losses on relationships:

1. They may struggle with a fear of intimacy because they fear loss.

2. They may erect walls to keep relationships from going to the third and fourth levels of communication, even without realizing it.

3. They may limit their vulnerability to impending grief by refusing to acknowledge they care for anyone or anything. This can cause the profound pain of isolation if not dealt with.

4. They may have a 'quick release' when separation is impending. They quit calling or getting together before it is actually necessary, so as to avoid pain. Then they may wonder why the other is upset for 'abandoning'  them.

5. They may pick fights. To them it seems more comfortable to be angry than sad.

6. They may just completely refuse to say goodbye. 

I think I have seen some of those effects with my own TCKs and those of friends. They find friends at home shallow and parochial in their thinking. Years as a TCK have made one a good communicator, able to capitalize on other's needs and interests. For that skill, he is highly esteemed in his work. He can talk to anyone about almost anything they want to discuss, and do it well. 

Others make lots of acquaintances, but have difficulty maintaining long-term relationships. They want friends, but it takes more time and work to develop them.

Third Culture Kids' Friendships - part 2

by Diane Constantine

Pollock and Reken describe the various levels of communication as people get to know each other. While this happens in different ways in various cultures, here is one common pattern for how relationships are established.

1. Superficial level:

This involves conversation generally referred to as "small talk"--How are you? Where are you from? The weather or today's headlines.

2. "Still safe" level:

This is an exchange of no-risk facts. Where did you go on vacation last year? What sights did you see?

3. Judgmental level:

Here, we begin to risk a few statements about our opinions on politics, religion, or other matters about which our new friend might disagree with us.

4. Emotional level:

We begin sharing how we feel about life, ourselves, and others (e.g., that we're sad, happy, worried, or depressed).

5. Disclosure level: 

We reveal our most private thoughts and feelings to another person, confessing secret dreams as well as painful failures. This stage involves an honesty and vulnerability that leads to true intimacy. Most of us only have a few people in our lives with whom we share at this level. Some people have no one to share such a place.

Third Culture Kids' Friendships - part 1

by Diane Constantine

As you may know, our two sons grew up, for more than half their childhood years, outside their home country. That makes them Third Culture Kids, or TCKs. Recently I have been thinking about how our sons react to their world. I wondered how much their experience as Third Culture Kids actually affects them today, now that they are adults. I was especially interested in how TCKs make friends, and how their experience differs from others in that area.  

For a refresher, I looked at David Pollock and Ruth Van Reken's  textbook called, Third Culture Kids. The chapter on Relational Patterns  discusses  how Third Culture Kids (TCKs) make friendships and how that affects them later in life.

Their research can help parents of Third Culture Kids (TCKs) understand their children better. Here’s an excerpt: 

"During childhood and beyond, all our experiences of mind, heart, body, and spirit--cultural, emotional, physical, geographical--all of the moves, the relationships, the places, the losses, the discoveries, the wonder of the world--are layered one upon another through time."

You may have that noticed your TCK makes friends and maintains friendships in a much different way than you or your husband. Basic personality influences the way all of us relate to others. If your TCK is more extroverted, he can talk to anyone, anywhere, anytime. He may have a huge list of friends, yet have no one he will turn to when he is troubled. 

Peter's Wife : Forgiveness - part 2

continued from here

Forgiveness and Trust

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we have to trust the person. A young PW confided her fear of bandits to one of the older PWs. She thought she was talking to a trustworthy advisor. In a short while, she noticed little comments by others on the team to make sure she locks her door at night followed by some muffled chuckles. Her fear was exposed to ridicule. She forgives, but she does not have to trust this co-worker with any more confidences.

In American adventure movies you sometimes hear this warning: “Watch Your Back!” It means that there is danger all around and you must not let down your guard. Consider what Paul wrote to his dear friend Timothy:

 “Alexander the metalworker did me a great deal of harm. The Lord will repay him for what he has done. You too should be on your guard against him, because he strongly opposed our message.” (II Timothy 4:14-15, NIV)

We may never know whether Paul had forgiven Alexander, but if he practiced what he preached, he did. Yet he knew that Alexander could not be trusted, so he warned Timothy to watch his back.

Forgiveness and Privileges

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we automatically restore all privileges that were forfeited through the offence. Suppose a woman’s husband is unfaithful to her. Wanting to do the Christian thing, she goes to her pastor for counsel. The pastor, a compassionate man, though perhaps too legalistic, tells her to forgive her husband. So far so good. Then she asks, “Does that mean I have to share my body with him, although he is still going to bed with the other woman?” The pastor, thinking he is doing the right thing, tells her she must allow her husband to have sex with her. That kind of counsel is quite common in the places where PWs live and work.

Peter's Wife: Forgiveness - part 1

about Peter's Wife   April 20, 2011

This month my husband and I have been counseling several different people with the same problem. Maybe you have been struggling with this issue or maybe, like us, you have been trying to help someone else with this trouble. That issue is unforgiveness! It seems like there is an epidemic of offended people right now.

Just because we are PWs, recognized and commissioned to serve others, doesn’t mean we never need forgiveness. And just because we have been believers for many years doesn’t mean we are pros at forgiving. Maybe because we don’t have the kind of support system our family and friends have back home, we may need a refresher course on this all important issue of forgiveness.

Some years ago my husband wrote this article on forgiveness. I’ve adapted it in places for our cross cultural community. You can see the original article written for husbands and wives at: intermin.org

Every one of us need forgiving people around us. The reason is obvious: we need forgiving because we make mistakes. That would explain two interesting facts in the Bible:

• Fact one: God’s Word urges us to pursue perfection, to grow and mature in grace, and to become like Jesus.
• Fact two: The Bible also teaches us to forgive one another. On the road of life we step on many toes, so we need to forgive and to receive forgiveness.