She won't speak my love language!

The Question

What do you do when a spouse refuses to speak your love language even when they know it?

The Answer

"We both read The 5 Love Languages, took the profile, and discussed our primary love languages with each other. That was two months ago. My wife knows that my love language is Words of Affirmation. Yet, in two months, I have yet to hear her say anything positive. Her love language is Acts of Service. I have started doing several things she has asked me to do around the house. I think she appreciates what I am doing, but she never tells me."

Let me begin by saying that we cannot make our spouse speak our love language. Love is a choice. We can request love, but we cannot demand love. Having said that, let me suggest some reasons why your wife may not be speaking your love language. She may have grown up in a home where she received few positive words. Her parents were perhaps very critical of her. Thus, she did not have a positive role model of speaking Words of Affirmation. Such words may be very difficult for her to speak. It will require effort on her part and patience on your part as she learns to speak a language that is foreign to her.

The Four Signs of Marriage Apocalypse

from HERE

There is a lot of talk these days about December 21, 2012—the date the Mayan calendar ends and what that might mean for those of us on planet Earth. Some are speculating that the world will end. Some feel life will go on. The whole “scare” brings to mind the paranoia that surrounded Y2K. Many were stocking supplies: gas, generators, log cabins, canned goods, tents, guns, hunting materials, and the like. I personally jumped on board and bought an extra gallon of water which began and ended my disaster prep. Guess I’m not one to fear the worst. Regardless, watching how people react to news of doom and gloom intrigues (and entertains) me to no end.
 

How would you react if you learned of news that, with some high degree of accuracy, predicted the end of your marriage? Would you take precautions? Would you go on as usual? Would you care? The answer to these questions might give you a confirming or perhaps an uneasy glimpse into how much you value your commitment to your spouse. Most of us aren’t going to look to the Mayans to find out if our marriage will end, but there are a few indicators that D-Day might eventually come to our shores.

It's not really over.

by Dr. Gary Chapman

The Question

Today, divorce is a highly accepted and common solution to marital difficulty. Why should someone go through the hard work of fixing a broken or unsatisfying marriage, when divorce is so easy - even encouraged - in our culture?

The Answer

The difficulty is that divorce is not a solution. Divorce creates a lot of other problems. People feel like, "I'm so miserable in this marriage. I'm going to divorce. I'm going to find a new life. Things are going to be better for me." Well, that just simply doesn't happen for most people. Divorce may get you out of the pressure-cooker of a difficult marriage, and it may allow you to breathe deeply for a bit, and you may feel more relaxed when you get out from under that pressure, but divorce creates another whole set of problems.

The reality is that when you divorce someone, that person doesn't cease to exist. They are ex-spouses now. They're still spouses, and they're still in your life, especially if you have children. That means you're going to encounter them from time to time. It means all the special events of life, such as marriage, graduation from high school and college, and all those kinds of things, you are going to be face-to-face with your ex-spouse. And yes, some people learn to navigate that fairly decently. For others, it's just a pain in the neck the rest of their life.

What About Me?

by Dr. Gary Chapman

The Question

Human nature is very self-oriented, especially in today's culture. How do couples combat that selfish tendency in their marriage in order to meet the needs of their spouse?

The Answer 

It doesn't come naturally because by nature we are self-centered. We are egocentric. That's not all bad. Because we are egocentric we feed ourselves, we get rest, and we get exercise. We take care of ourselves. That's good. But when that self-centeredness becomes selfishness, so that we view everything through the lens of what am I getting out of this? then we start thinking, "They're not treating me fairly. They're not doing what they should be doing for me. I'm not getting out of this marriage what I should be getting out of this marriage." Everything is focused around us and what we're getting. When you have two people who are focusing like that on self, and then they start not only requesting things, they start demanding things of each other, they're on a downward spiral from that point on.

So, I think this whole thing of selfishness is a malady that all of us have, and we have to learn to love. Love is the opposite of selfishness. Love has the attitude, "I'm married to you, how can I help you? How can I make your life easier? How can I be a better husband to you?" Love is reaching out to benefit the other person. And when you get two people loving, you have what marriage was designed to be: a supportive, encouraging relationship.

From my perspective there is a spiritual element to this. The Scriptures say, "We love God because God first loved us." Well, somebody's got to start the process of loving rather than being selfish. Another biblical perspective is that the love of God is poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit; that we allow God, as it were, to love through us. "It doesn't have to be my feelings and how I am feeling about them, but I know God loves them, so I give myself to God to be an agent of loving them, expressing His love." To me, that spiritual dimension helps people break free from selfishness.

Continue the conversation: Share your questions, thoughts insights, or comments by joining the conversation on Facebook at facebook.com/5lovelanguages

Dealing Effectively With Anger

by Dr. Gary Chapman

Communicate
Let's begin by admitting that all of us experience anger. Your spouse treats you unfairly, or they fail to do something that you expected them to do, so you feel angry. In a healthy marriage, the couple has an agreement: that when you feel angry, I want you to tell me. I can't help you with your anger until I know what you are angry about.

And yet, this is a new idea for many people. One wife said, "You mean I'm supposed to tell my husband that I am angry that he washed his car and did not wash mine." That's right I said, unless you want to have a dirty car the rest of your life. Sharing your anger is the only way to process your anger in a positive way.

Take a Break
When you are angry with someone it means that, in your mind, they have wronged you. When someone has wronged you, the emotion of anger pushes you to fight back. But fighting back almost always makes the situation worse. One fundamental principle in anger management is to make a covenant with yourself, that you will not attack another person when you are angry.

DEAR GARY...

by Dr. Gary Chapman

We are to the point of divorce. Can you help?

Question: My husband and I are at the point of divorce. Though he has agreed to look at some of your materials with me. Can you give us a starting point?

Answer: I would suggest you start with my book The 5 Love Languages. Ask him if he would be willing to read the first chapter this week if you read the first chapter. And at the end of the week, you will share one thing you learned and he will share one thing he learned. It's a good way to get started. Then, if he feels good about it and you feel good about it, take chapter two the next week. Work your way through the book one chapter per week. By the end of the book, I think you both will have rediscovered how to love each other, and how to stimulate warm feelings toward each other. Chances are he'll be willing to share another book with you. Sharing a book is one way to stimulate marital growth.

How do we prepare for spending time apart?

Question: My wife and I are both active duty Marines, and we spend a lot off time away from each other. How do we start talking when we know one of us will be leaving soon?

Long Distance Love

by Dr. Gary Chapman

Question:

"How can one deal with a long distance relationship when the spouse's love language is Physical Touch? I am desperate and don't want this to end because of the distance."

Answer:

I am often asked this question when I speak to military couples. The good news is that all of the love languages can be spoken long distance. I know you may be thinking, "How can I speak the language of Physical Touch when we are half a world away?" It's not that difficult.

In a letter, phone call, or e-mail you say, "If I were with you, I would put my arms around you and give you a kiss you would never forget."

No, it is not the same as actually doing it. However, it communicates love emotionally. They know that you are thinking about them and their love language. One wife said recently, "Learning to speak my husband's love language long distance has made a world of difference. And, he is speaking my language. He writes, "If I were at home, I'd vacuum the floor and take out the trash without your asking. Wow! That speaks to me." So my advice? Try it. I think you'll like it.

Continue the conversation: Share your questions, thoughts insights, or comments by joining the conversation on Facebook at facebook.com/5lovelanguages

Little Love Tanks

by Dr. Gary Chapman

During infancy, a child does not distinguish between milk and tenderness, between solid food and love. Without food a child will starve. Without love, a child will starve emotionally and can become impaired for life. A great deal of research indicates that the emotional foundation of life is laid in the first eighteen months of life, particularly in the mother/child relationship.

The 'food' for future emotional health is love expressed in five ways: physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and acts of service. Speak all five languages to your child the first eighteen months and you are laying the best possible foundation for emotional health.

Do you know your child's primary love language? What I discovered years ago is that what makes one child feel loved, does not necessarily make another child feel loved. If you treat all children the same way in an effort to be fair, you are really not being fair at all.

I like to picture each child as having an emotional 'love tank'. If the tank is full, that is the child feels loved by the parents, then the child grows up normally. If the tank is empty, the child will grow up with many internal struggles. And, in the teenage years will go looking for love, typically in all the wrong places. Learning what fills your child's little love tank is one of the secrets to successful parenting.

Continue the conversation: Share your questions, thoughts insights, or comments by joining the conversation on Facebook at facebook.com/5lovelanguages

The Love Dare - Day 1

Day 1 - Love is patient

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. —Ephesians 4:2

Love works. It is life’s most powerful motivator, and has far greater depth and meaning than most people realize. It always does what is best for others, and can empower us to face the greatest of problems. We are born with a lifelong thirst for love. Our hearts desperately need it like our lungs need oxygen. Love changes our motivation for living. Relationships become meaningful with it. No marriage is successful without it.

Love is built on two pillars that best define what it is. Those pillars are patience and kindness. All other characteristics of love are extensions of these two attributes. And that’s where your dare will begin. With patience.

Love will inspire you to become a patient person. When you choose to be patient, you respond in a positive way to a negative situation. You are slow to anger. You have a long fuse instead of a quick temper. Rather than being restless and demanding, love helps you settle down and begin extending mercy to those around you. Patience brings an internal calm during an external storm.

No one likes to be around an impatient person. It causes you to overreact in angry, foolish, and regrettable ways. The irony of anger toward a wrongful action is that it spawns new wrongs of its own. Anger almost never makes things better. In fact, it usually generates additional problems.

The Love Dare - 4

If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

1 Corinthians 13:1–3

The Love Dare - 3

http://thelovedarebook.com

The Scriptures say that God designed and created marriage as a good thing. It is a beautiful, priceless gift. He uses marriage to help us eliminate loneliness, multiply our effectiveness, establish families, raise children, enjoy life, and bless us with relational intimacy. But beyond this, marriage also shows us our need to grow and deal with our own issues and self-centeredness through the help of a lifelong partner. If we are teachable, we will learn to do the one thing that is most important in marriage—to love. This powerful union provides the path for you to learn how to love another imperfect person unconditionally. It is wonderful. It is

difficult. It is life changing.

This book is about love. It’s about learning and daring to live a life filled with loving relationships. And this journey begins with the person that is closest to you: your spouse. May God bless you as you begin this adventure.

But be sure of this: it will take courage. If you accept this dare, you must take the view that instead of following your heart, you are choosing to lead it. The world says to follow your heart, but if you are not leading it, then someone or something else is. The Bible says that “the heart is deceitful above all things,” and it will pursue that which feels right at the moment.

We dare you to think differently, and to choose to lead your heart toward that which is best in the long run. This is a key to lasting, fulfilling relationships.

The Love Dare - 2

This forty day journey cannot be taken lightly. It is a challenging and often difficult process, but an incredibly fulfilling one. To take this dare requires a resolute mind and a steadfast determination. It is not meant to be sampled or briefly tested, and those who quit early will forfeit the greatest benefits. If you will commit to a day at a time for forty days, the results could change your life, and your marriage.


Consider it a dare, from others who have done it before you.

Children Like Gifts. Some Love Them!

by Dr. Gary Chapman

Does your child feel loved? All of the research indicates that children who are loved fare better in life than those who do not. Most parents love their children, but not all children feel loved. When Dr. Ross Campbell and I wrote the book The 5 Love Languages of Children, we discovered that children have different love languages.

What fills the love tank of one child will not necessarily fill the love tank of another. One child may crave physical touch - hugs and kisses, while another longs for words of affirmation. For some children it's quality time, for others it is gifts or acts of service. Discover your child's love language, speak it fluently, and you will keep the love tank full.

The Love Language of Gifts

One of the love languages of children is receiving gifts. I know what you're thinking: "That is the love languages of all children." But, not really. Some children will ooh and aah and jump up and down with excitement when they are about to open a present. Once it is opened, they will repeat the performance. Others will simply open the gift, look at it, perhaps say thanks, and then they are off to other events.

Why the difference? For one child receiving gifts is their primary love language while the other much prefers quality time or one of the other love languages. Don't expect all children to respond the same way. If you want to love effectively you must learn the primary love language of each child and speak it regularly.

The Love Dare

LINK TO WEBSITE

In the movie FIREPROOF, a couple dares to rescue their choking marriage from the flames of divorce and temptation using The Love Dare book as a guide. Now you can take the experience of the film one step further with your own copy of The Love Dare book. This daily devotional steers you through the fiery challenge of developing a strong, committed marriage in a world that threatens to burn it to the ground.

The Love Dare personally leads you through daily devotionals, records your thoughts and experiences, and ends each day daring you to perform a simple act of love for your spouse. This 40-Day journey equips you to melt hardened, separated hearts into an enduring love that can withstand the flames of fear, pride and temptation. The Love Dare book will help you reinforce and enrich your marriage, earn back a love you thought was lost, and hear more about the One who not only designed unconditional, sacrificial love—He illustrated it.

In a world that attacks, devalues, and redefines relationships every day, learn how to rescue and protect your marriage from the firestorm. Take The Love Dare and FIREPROOF your relationship.

Apologies: Because People Aren't Perfect

by Dr. Gary Chapman

When is the last time you apologized? What did you say or do? Did the person to whom you apologized seem to accept your apology? Did they forgive you? Was the relationship healed? If not, I have an idea as to why they found it hard to forgive you. They did not hear your apology as being sincere.

When someone hurts us and is now trying to apologize, the question in our minds is: are they sincere? We judge sincerity by how they apologize. If they simply say, "I'm sorry," that may seem a bit weak. We may want to hear them say, "I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?" There are five ways to apologize. If you speak only one, you will likely come across as insincere.

Apology 101

Do you know how to apologize? Chances are you do what your parents taught you, but that may not be enough. Dr. Jennifer Thomas and I discovered that people have different ideas on what it means to apologize. In fact there are five languages of apology. If you don't speak the right language you are not likely to have a favorable response.

If you aren't sure how to apologize, consider saying this: "I value our relationship. What do I need to do or say in order for you to consider forgiving me?" Their answer will reveal their 'primary apology language'. Express your apology in that language and will likely receive forgiveness.

8 Myths (and Truths) About Male Authority - 2

 by Joel Hunter

SO WHO ARE WE? 8 TRUTHS ABOUT MALE AUTHORITY

Being real men is not just about gender; it is about spiritual maturity in all areas of life. Therefore, manhood is about our calling and not about any competition with women.

Truth #1: We have a gender-unique leadership role in our marriages. 1 Corinthians 11:3 says: “But there is one thing I want you to know: A man is responsible to Christ, a woman is responsible to her husband, and Christ is responsible to God” (NLT). Then, in verse 8 it says: “For the first man didn't come from woman, but the first woman came from man.” I don't know why God made this arrangement. In many ways our wives are more competent than we are. Wise men will lean on their wives to decide many things for the family. In the end, it is not a matter of competence or even gender; it is a matter of following God's order.

When I was in grade school, my desk was closest to the door. That made me the leader for fire drills. Why was I the leader? Because I was more competent? No. Because I was a boy? No. It was because the teacher said so.

Truth #2: We are to love our wives as Christ loved the church and give ourselves up for her. Our authority is for sacrificing and protecting our wives, not for lording power over them. We don't need to be less strong to be a servant, nor do we need for our wives to be weak so that we can appear strong.

8 Myths (and Truths) About Male Authority - 1

by Joel Hunter

God has given men a unique role as leaders of our homes and families. But how do we reconcile this in a culture that has become reactionary against men exercising biblical authority?

We live in a society that is pushing for male sensitivity and female strength. That's fine. But much of the current societal norms are a reaction to a perverted idea of God-given male authority. If men could understand the authority God gives to them, they would not have to surrender to the culture's emasculation of their role. If wives could understand their husbands' roles, they would see that support of their husbands' leadership would make themselves more free and secure, not less.

Many Christian men today are wimps. They hate themselves for it, and women do not respect them because of it. So, let me remind you of eight ways that our culture perverts the biblical understanding of male authority … then we will see the list of how a “real man” exercises his authority.

Myth #1: Male authority means male dominance. Men must understand that mature masculinity in Scripture has to do with our strength to serve and sacrifice for the good of the woman. Luke 22:26 gives the general servant-leadership paradigm: “'But among you, those who are the greatest should take the lowest rank, and the leader should be like a servant'” (NLT). Ephesians 5:25 gives the home version of it: “And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church.”

Don't Take It from Me: Reasons You Should Not Marry an Unbeliever

by Kathy Keller

Over the course of our ministry, the most common pastoral issue that Tim and I have confronted is probably marriages---either actual or proposed---between Christians and non-Christians. I have often thought how much simpler it would be if I could remove myself from the conversation and invite those already married to unbelievers do the talking to singles who are desperately trying to find a loophole that would allow them to marry someone who does not share their faith.

That way, I could skip all the Bible passages that urge singles only to "marry in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 7:39) and not "be unequally yoked" (2 Corinthians 6:14) and the Old Testament proscriptions against marrying the foreigner, a worshiper of a god other than the God of Israel (see Numbers 12 where Moses marries a woman of another race but the same faith). You can find those passages in abundance, but when someone has already allowed his or her heart to become engaged with a person outside the faith, I find that the Bible has already been devalued as the non-negotiable rule of faith and practice.

Bicycle Built for Two

"We had this bicycle," the lady said. "It was built for two people to ride together. What problems that bicycle caused us!"

"How so?" I asked?

"Well, my husband would ride behind me, on the back seat. I always rode in the front seat and steered. But he wouldn't peddle! He just let me do all the work. When I applied the brake, then he would start peddling!"

Now, this husband worked against his wife only to tease her, but in many marriages the husband and wife fight against each other over much more serious issues. Rather than making a joint effort towards a common goal, they end up battling for their rights. Each of them has an individual goal and tries to make their spouse go in their direction, at their pace. Marriage becomes a struggle rather than a partnership.

The one thing you need to ride a bicycle-built-for-two is agreement. Without it, the thing just won't work. Two may ride on it, but if they don't work together, they won't go anywhere. Worse, they will suffer many crashes and many frustrations.

Just like that tandem bike, every marriage takes two partners working together. That makes all the difference. With agreement we develop marital coordination. Without it, we develop marital confusion.

A Perfect Ending to a Lousy Day

John comes home from work one day to find Sally in tears. “I am a terrible mother,” she cries!

“I don’t know why I ever let you get me pregnant! Any mother could do this better than me.”

Her three year old had, in just fifteen minutes, tried to see if those little goldfish crackers would swim in the toilet, unwound a whole role of toilet paper, and tried to teach the cat to swim. And he did it all with the sweetest smile.

Timmy, the three year old tornado, has reduced a perfectly capable mother– a woman with a masters degree and a nice even temperament– into a defeated mass of regrets.

You’ve had days like that haven’t you? No? Oh. You’re one of those perfect parents who have discovered the foolproof secret to tranquil child raising. The rest of us secretly hope that the next time you and your husband or wife make love, the result will be a Timmy. Then we’ll see how tranquil you are.

Prevent or Repair?

Now, this little article could go in many directions. We could follow Timmy and see what happens to a boy who has innocently unraveled his mom. Or we could follow his mom, Sally. But remember John? He’s the daddy, and he just came home from a long hard day at the office and a truly horrible commute. Right now John’s own emotional reserves are on empty. Not only that, but events at work have made him feel fairly worthless. A collision is imminent. An explosion is only a few ticks of the clock away. How can they prevent it? Or do they just let it happen and bandage the wounds later?