The Positive Parent's Creed

1. We will let our children know we love them no matter what they do:
Our children will learn that love is not earned, love is freely given.

2. We will be honest about our mistakes, remembering to ask our children to forgive us when we fail them or misunderstand them:
Our children will learn the value of personal honesty instead of hypocrisy.

3. We will give each child some individual time and attention every day:
Our children will learn that they are important to us, not a nuisance that we endure.

4. We will listen to our children as well as talk to them:
Our children will learn that listening to one another is one of the most loving things we can do for each other.

5. We will help our children develop a genuine personal faith in God:
Our children will learn, through our example, the value of a genuine faith.

6. We will correctly love and lovingly correct:
Our children will learn that discipline is an expression of love.

7. We will teach proper relationship to authority:
Our children will learn that respect for authority is the key to a successful life.

8. We will encourage proper independence:
Our children will develop a strong conscience. They will learn to withstand and overcome the negative pressures around them.

A Parent's Greatest Gift

You can't buy it with money, but it's worth more than jewels

As Christian parents, can we identify one special quality that we should aim for in raising our children? Yes, I think we can. Let’s look at a verse that describes the childhood development of Jesus:

". . . Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and men." (Luke 2:52 NIV) “

What is the first quality that Jesus grew in? Wisdom. What parents could ask for more for their children than that? Any person who has wisdom will become a complete, mature individual– a young man or woman ready to honour God and bless the world.

There’s a big difference between smart and wise. Presently many societies work hard to produce smart children, but consider this: What good is an education if a person doesn’t know how to live? Can top grades guarantee a child’s success as a human being? Haven’t we all known intelligent, gifted people who didn’t know how to live? They had a brain stuffed with information, but they lived reckless, thoughtless lives. They may have been at the top of their class, but because they lacked wisdom they sank to the bottom of the barrel.

Remember: Parents have the responsibility for raising wise kids. Teachers can help, but we should see teachers as assistants, not as substitutes. As parents we should approach the task of raising wise children as though no one else will do it. Are you wise enough to see your child’s need for wisdom?

Positive Help

Meet Vincent, the ten-year-old mystery child. No one understands him. His friends think Vincent is stupid. They even tell him so. He puzzles his teachers. Some say he is uncooperative; some say he is inattentive; one says he’s just lazy. They all believe that Vincent is a problem.

Although they love their son, Vincent’s parents fear that the teachers are right. They feel defeated. They offer him rewards if only he’ll cooperate, even scold and discipline him. Still Vincent struggles and rebels against school work. Their son’s behavior embarrasses them. "Why can’t he be like his sister?" they ask. "She was so easy to raise, and so good at her studies."

Home life is hectic, especially at homework time. Vincent often forgets assignments. Sometimes he sits, staring into space, apparently ignoring his studies. Assignments that should take thirty minutes fill hours. Frequently Vincent throws his pencil down, slams his book closed and shouts, "I’m just stupid!"

The Encouraging Family

Diane has some great thoughts on imparting encouragement. Enjoy!

The second semester was less than a week away when I found myself in the headmistress’ office at our boys’ school. "Since one of our teachers had to return to the United States for emergency surgery," she said, "we need to rearrange the teaching assignments. We can’t find anyone to teach Computer Keyboarding. Would you teach it for us?"

Earlier in my life my response would have been, "Me? You want me to teach Computer Keyboard? I’m not a qualified teacher. I didn’t take a typing course because my aptitude tests showed that I wouldn’t do well at office work. I don’t like new challenges and besides, I’ll never remember the students’ names!"

Instead of that response I found myself excited by the challenge. After asking a few questions about the curriculum and the equipment, I accepted the assignment. What made the difference? Why did I accept this new challenge when only a few years earlier I would have run from it?

Positive Encouragement

The Race

It’s Track and Field Day at the international school. The high school boys line up for the 1600 meter race. At the sharp, "Crack!" of the starter’s gun the runners explode from the starting line, each boy straining to get the maximum results from his body. Sixteen hundred meters later, one would win, one would be the fastest, the best. Four others would lose, though they may have trained and competed just as well.

The favorites in this race were an Australian boy and a Singaporean. Both ran well, and the race was close. But with a final charge the Australian overtook the Singaporean, winning by a nose. Cheers! Joy! Disappointment. You find them all at the finish line.

The mother of that second-place boy publically chided him and rebuked her son because he didn’t win. The sight saddened us. As if losing wasn’t bad enough, he also had to endure his mother’s scorn. Why did she treat him so harshly? Perhaps she thought it would help her son become a better person or motivate him to excel. After all, doesn’t everyone know that (as some Asians have told us) "if you say good, bad will happen?"

Positive Discipline, II

(In case you missed the first part of Positive Discipline, read it now.)

We can learn how to warn our children and enforce those warnings, no matter what our temperament is, or theirs. The key is to not allow yourself to become a passive parent. Here are some strategies that will help:

Be Definite in Your Warning

Indefinite warnings are wasted warnings. As an example,. which one of these parents will get the best results:

• Parent number one: "John, don’t be so naughty. If you don’t straighten up, you’re going to get it!"
• Parent number two: "Susie, do not hit your brother. If you hit your brother again, you will sit on your time out chair for ten minutes. Do you understand?"

If you picked the second warning, you are right. Little Susie will get the message. If she doesn’t, her parents will know exactly what to do.

Positive Discipline

Unruly Children Need a Warning
The word unruly describes those who break the rules or ignore the rules. It refers to willful disobedience. An unruly person chooses to do wrong, though he knows what is right. Such behavior requires a clear, understandable, enforceable warning, and appropriate consequences if the child ignores the warning.

Many Americans love snow skiing. Thousands of all ages ride to the tops of the mountains then glide, race, or sometimes tumble down the slopes. Unfortunately, every year people injure themselves seriously, or even die in skiing accidents.

The resorts establish and mark certain areas as out-of-bounds because they know of dangers the skiers would not see. They also have ski patrols who watch for any out-of-control skiers. A ski patrolman told me there are two common reasons for accidents: skiing out of control and skiing out of bounds.

FAQ : Family

by Dr. Gary Chapman

1. How do I encourage my husband to be a spiritual leader?

First, you need to clarify what you mean by “spiritual leader”. If he were a spiritual leader, what would he be doing? How would you recognize that he was a spiritual leader? Until you can answer these questions, the idea of “spiritual leader” is too nebulous to be meaningful.

Once you know what you would like to see in your husband as a spiritual leader, then let me suggest the following principles as you seek change:

Men respond positively to praise. Look for something he is doing right and express appreciation. Telling him about his failures does not motivate him to change.

Requests are more productive than demands. “Would you read this devotional for us before Mary goes to bed?” is likely to get better results than, “If you don’t start reading the Bible to Mary she is going to grow up and become a pagan.”

A husband who has a full “love tank” is more easily motivated to make positive changes. Make sure you know your husband’s “primary love language” and speak it often. If he genuinely feels your love, he will be more open to your requests.

For additional help see The Family You’ve Always Wanted.

Positive Parenting

Welcome to the Positive Parenting series. First, a word about the title.

Positive is of course, the opposite of negative. Are there really negative parents? Sadly, yes. Bound by fears, frustrations, and a sense of failure, these parents adopt a negative parenting style. The result is often not what they hoped for. Their kids grow up to be negative themselves, and so the cycle goes on.

Positive also means purposeful, confident, and focused. We have seen far too many parents who, instead of being positively involved with their children, approach parenting without any purpose, focus, or confidence.

God can make you a better parent than you are.

The great news for parents is this: God can make you a better parent than you are, and you will like it! So will your kids, and so will all the people that interact with your kids: teachers, neighbors, extended family members now; employers, spouses, neighbors and friends later.

FAQ : Parenting

by Dr. Gary Chapman

1. I really feel strongly about certain types of discipline with our children, but my husband just laughs it off and does not support me. How do I handle this situation?

Disagreements over styles of discipline are fairly common for one simple reason: we each grew up in different families. We tend to discipline like our parents did, or if we believe that they treated us unfairly, we tend to do the opposite of what our parents did.

How do we resolve these differences? It is not likely that you will ever totally agree on this matter, but you can find a workable solution. It begins by each of you making a list of the basic rules you think you should have for the child and what the consequences should be if these rules are broken. With these lists in hand, you have a parental conference in which the two of you work through your lists. Check off the ones on which you agree and negotiate agreement on the others. Both must be willing to find common ground. Don’t insist that your way is the only way. With these in place, it is then a matter of making sure the child understands the rules and the consequences, and consistently applying the discipline when rules are broken. Kindness, but firmness, is the key in applying discipline.