Distorted Anger

Satan has used many strategies to mischannel God’s intention for human anger. One of the most powerful is to make us think that all of our anger is of equal value; that is, that all of our anger is valid. Two kinds of anger exist: definitive and distorted. Definitive anger is born of wrongdoing. Someone treats us unfairly, lies about us or in some other way does us wrong. This is valid anger.

The second kind of anger, however, is not valid. It is triggered by a mere disappointment, an unfulfilled desire, a frustrated effort. No wrong was committed. This is distorted anger, and learning the difference between definitive and distorted anger is the first step in handling anger in a godly way.

Dirty Dishes
In distorted anger, a perceived wrong leads to the anger. Picture this. I eat dinner and leave for a meeting. I return three hours later to find the dirty dishes still on the table and my spouse on the couch watching TV. I am angry. Why? I perceive that they have been lazy, thoughtless, irresponsible. But If I pause and ask what happened that the dishes are still on the table, I may learn that my spouse has been sick and unable to wash the dishes. My anger is distorted.

Are You a Perfectionist?
Two questions are important in determining the validity of anger. The first is, “What wrong was committed?” The second is, “Am I sure I have all the facts?”

The perfectionist has high expectations not only for himself, but for others. When people do not live up to these expectations, he will often get angry. Such anger is distorted. Don’t allow your perfectionistic personality keep you angry with your spouse. Let your spouse be who he or she is - a little less than perfect.

Get the Facts
Often in marriage we get angry because something our spouse says or does embarrasses us. Something they fail to do irritates us. We start thinking, “I can’t depend on her for anything. She doesn’t love me. If she loved me, she would not let this happen.” When you are angry, think before you act. Make sure you have all of the facts, and pray for wisdom. You may discover that your anger is distorted.


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Excerpt taken from Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Gary Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.