What About Me?

by Dr. Gary Chapman

The Question

Human nature is very self-oriented, especially in today's culture. How do couples combat that selfish tendency in their marriage in order to meet the needs of their spouse?

The Answer 

It doesn't come naturally because by nature we are self-centered. We are egocentric. That's not all bad. Because we are egocentric we feed ourselves, we get rest, and we get exercise. We take care of ourselves. That's good. But when that self-centeredness becomes selfishness, so that we view everything through the lens of what am I getting out of this? then we start thinking, "They're not treating me fairly. They're not doing what they should be doing for me. I'm not getting out of this marriage what I should be getting out of this marriage." Everything is focused around us and what we're getting. When you have two people who are focusing like that on self, and then they start not only requesting things, they start demanding things of each other, they're on a downward spiral from that point on.

So, I think this whole thing of selfishness is a malady that all of us have, and we have to learn to love. Love is the opposite of selfishness. Love has the attitude, "I'm married to you, how can I help you? How can I make your life easier? How can I be a better husband to you?" Love is reaching out to benefit the other person. And when you get two people loving, you have what marriage was designed to be: a supportive, encouraging relationship.

From my perspective there is a spiritual element to this. The Scriptures say, "We love God because God first loved us." Well, somebody's got to start the process of loving rather than being selfish. Another biblical perspective is that the love of God is poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit; that we allow God, as it were, to love through us. "It doesn't have to be my feelings and how I am feeling about them, but I know God loves them, so I give myself to God to be an agent of loving them, expressing His love." To me, that spiritual dimension helps people break free from selfishness.

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