Hindrances to Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy has its roots in sharing passions, emotions, thoughts, experiences, desires and frustrations. We want someone who will be interested in knowing us and sharing life with us; someone who will take time to ask questions and time to listen to our answers.

Past Pain?
I am often asked, “Why won’t my spouse share their feelings with me?” One reason some husbands and wives do not share feelings is that they are not in touch with their emotions. For others, the pain of parents separating, the memory of physical or sexual abuse, the grief over the untimely death of a parent, or other experiences of emotional pain was never processed as a child. Years ago, the person stopped feeling because the pain was so intense. They separated their intellectual life from their emotional life and are no longer in touch with how they feel.

For this person to find health and healing, it will likely require the help of a trained counselor. It does not help for the spouse to condemn them for not sharing their emotions.

Emotions are Not Sinful!
Another reason some people do not share their emotions is that they have been taught that certain emotions are sinful. If we believe that it is wrong to feel anger, fear, and depression, then naturally we will try to deny these emotions rather than discuss them with a spouse. The Bible does not condemn emotions, but challenges us to process these emotions positively. “When I am afraid,” the Psalmist said, “I will trust in the Lord.” He does not deny the emotion, but rather chooses his response.
Reaching Out To overcome such fears, we must first acknowledge them. The next step is to share this information with our spouse in a non-condemning way. “I’ve been thinking about us and I have realized that I often do not share my feelings with you because I am afraid that it will stimulate anger in you, so I keep my feelings inside. I know this is not good for our relationship. I need your help in overcoming this."
The Center of It
Because the desire for marital intimacy is so deeply rooted in our psyche, it greatly affects all other aspects of family life. Time and effort spent in developing emotional intimacy in your marriage is time wisely invested. Emotional intimacy is at the heart of what marriage is all about.


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Excerpt taken from The Family You've Always Wanted: Five Ways You Can Make it Happen by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Gary Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.