It's not really over.

by Dr. Gary Chapman

The Question

Today, divorce is a highly accepted and common solution to marital difficulty. Why should someone go through the hard work of fixing a broken or unsatisfying marriage, when divorce is so easy - even encouraged - in our culture?

The Answer

The difficulty is that divorce is not a solution. Divorce creates a lot of other problems. People feel like, "I'm so miserable in this marriage. I'm going to divorce. I'm going to find a new life. Things are going to be better for me." Well, that just simply doesn't happen for most people. Divorce may get you out of the pressure-cooker of a difficult marriage, and it may allow you to breathe deeply for a bit, and you may feel more relaxed when you get out from under that pressure, but divorce creates another whole set of problems.

The reality is that when you divorce someone, that person doesn't cease to exist. They are ex-spouses now. They're still spouses, and they're still in your life, especially if you have children. That means you're going to encounter them from time to time. It means all the special events of life, such as marriage, graduation from high school and college, and all those kinds of things, you are going to be face-to-face with your ex-spouse. And yes, some people learn to navigate that fairly decently. For others, it's just a pain in the neck the rest of their life.

And then also, there's the whole impact that divorce creates on children. We have underestimated this in our culture. We've said, "Children can adapt. It's not all that bad for children." The reality is children of divorce have a much more difficult life emotionally and sometimes physically because the finances are strained when there are two households to support. So, it has a tremendous impact on children emotionally and psychologically that we sometimes don't consider, or we just feel like, "Children will make it. They'll be alright." And children often suffer for a lifetime over the divorce of their parents. Again, divorce is not a solution; it just creates another set of problems.

I think if we can take a longer look at divorce, a better look at divorce, research indicates that five years later whether the individuals married again or whether they didn't marry, they are not happier than they were when they were married. I mean they are supposed to be happier, right? But they're not happier. I just think we have taken divorce far too lightly. It's an easy way to get out, but it's not an easy way to solve problems.

*adapted from An Interview with Dr. Gary Chapman on startmarriageright.com.

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